Caterwauling

So, if you saw my F-book status yesterday, you’d know that “Goddess is up to something.”

Let’s just say that I had a talk with someone. Who gave me the invitation I didn’t know I was waiting for. To start clean. Run for the hills. Wave goodbye. Try something else. Somewhere else.

And as I sit here, quietly between a rock and a hard place — knowing I have to sit down and truly make a list of pros and cons — there’s another part of me that’s saying, oh, why the hell not?

Now, nothing comes without strings attached.

I mean, since my mother decided to break my code of silence and ask me how my day was (the nerve!), I said I was thinking about starting my life over again. And she said if that’s what I want, then we “need to sit down and talk about it.”

And, on cue, something snapped inside my little head. “What’s there to talk about?” I said. “It’s my life, yes?”

But it’s not. Not anymore.

It’s weird. I mean, I have so very few ties in this world. No kids, no husband, no custody arrangements, and otherwise no mandates to not leave the state. I’m single, as young as I’ll ever be again, and surprisingly rooted for saying I abhor things like expectations and commitments.

I’ve always thought that there’s got to be something more. It’s all I’ve got, so I cling to that expectation.

But man, to think that I can’t pick up and go move somewhere else without having to drag my mommy with me, I mean, gah. Hi honey, I’m moving in — there’s room for mom, yes?

I guess that’s what families do — they talk about the impact of a major life decision on everyone. I can see where I would have been a real asshole if I’d been a man, because in my head (but not out loud), I’m thinking, hey I’m the breadwinner. Whatever I want, wins.

But it’s so not that easy.

And that’s the challenging part. I don’t get to factor out life’s little annoyances when I want to make a big life decision, even if that decision is to make no change at all.

And truly, running away from life’s annoyances is always a factor for me. What’s the point of packing up the things that piss you off and transporting them to where you’re trying to get a fresh start? Why pay shipping for something you can (and will) get when you arrive at your destination?

Of course, I’ve got a lot to think about. I don’t love D.C. and am not sure I could spend my life, meet a significant other, raise a family and retire here. But I could. I mean, let me meet a man from here and I’ll decide the rest. 😉

I have to decide whether I’m happy or just happy enough to stay put. My loyalties are few, but they’re airtight. Unlike the windows on this shitty fucking apartment, where the heater blows cold air and the sink’s always backed up.

So, does that mean I need to move locally, or is it just another check on the “why I need to get the fuck out of Dodge” list?

Of course there’s something prompting this existential mess. Believe me, I’ve been feeling far too stuck to come up with the energy to scheme on my own. Someone asked me to give a moment’s thought to starting a new life. And while, at first, I was like, “Whatever — I’ve got my own thing going on,” sleeping on it has yielded a, “You owe it to yourself to explore all your options.”

I admit, I am not excited to wake up in the mornings. I’ve got a good job with good people, so I am happy about that. I don’t care much for some of the organizational hokey-pokey that goes on. I don’t spend a lot of time using my skill set, though, most days. Being a volunteer fireman for blazes I didn’t start tends to take up a lot of hours. Makes you wonder sometimes when you are going to have time to do what you’re paid for, without adding a ton of extra hours.

I used to put in all those extra hours. I don’t anymore. I mean, I do to some extent, but I’m more apt to say, “I’m done for the day” now as opposed to “I will stay here all night until this is finished.” And I struggle with whether that’s a sign of falling out of love, or whether I’m simply growing a pair and demanding “me” time. Or, both?

I guess the bigger question is whether D.C. holds everything I’m looking for, or whether it’s just been a stepping stone to get me where I’m headed next.

Off-topic, but not, yes I know that means leaving people behind, if I hightail it elsewhere. (And again, there are no official offers anywhere; just a “Hey, why don’t you think a little bit about this for a while.”)

There are always people you hate to lose. There are some I hope would be with me, in one form or another, for the rest of my life. Proximity doesn’t necessarily ensure it, but it sure does facilitate it.

And there are some, I dunno. Damn. I had a pillar of salt moment the other night, looking over my shoulder at something I KNOW better than to revisit. And I thought, oh my God, I cannot be around when he decides he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone else. I can’t have that little, itty, bitty, twee hope in the back of my head that this is all a joke and one day it will work out the way I wanted it to. Even though I’ve put him far, far behind me, I’m not so dumb as to think I would be OK with attending his wedding and only being part of the crowd at that momentous occasion.

It’s funny how once sentence, with a question mark at the end, has the ability to change someone’s life.

And all of this shows where my priorities are (or aren’t) and perhaps where they should be, if I could just think straight. And it reminds me that maybe what I wanted, either wasn’t ready for me at the time or maybe it just isn’t all I thought it would be. Plain and simple.

Oh but wait, we’re looking forward here, right? Right. What I meant was that fine, I leave town. So all bets are off, all doors are closed and life will continue on the course it has to take. And even if I don’t leave town and that’s still what happens, I guess I’ll have to live with the fact that it was never meant to be. At least leaving means I can fool myself once in a while by thinking that it could have all been different, had I only stayed. …

But alas, a good night’s sleep also gave time to remember that the only destiny I’m in control of is my own. Yes, others’ decisions do affect me. But that’s on them. I’ve got a million possibilities of my own, none of which are worth forsaking over some idea I might have gotten into my head a long time ago that never managed to manifest into a destiny.

So, right now the pros and cons are pretty much even. My gut says to stay put and entertain the idea for a year. My heart — ah, yes, that thing that I forget still beats — says fuck it and leave it all behind and see what adventures await. Leave ol’ what’s-his-name and everyone else where they choose to be, and go reinvent yourself into Goddess 3.0 where only one person knows your name and even that person doesn’t know the half of what makes you, you.

The last time I got up and left town, I didn’t have a safety net. I had to make it work. It was hard, I was depressed and scared, but I did it. I made magic happen. This time, though, not only do I not have a safety net, but I also have a ball-and-chain. But my church (which, yes, I would definitely miss) keeps telling me to trust God. To stop scheming and worrying and let Him do the miracle-working. The devil may be in the details, but God’s still the decision-maker.

That’s what I’ll do. I’ll give it up to God, do some praying and meditating on it, and see how I feel in a few days.

But if a very large wad of cash arrives to pay for my travel expenses, you do know I’m going to take that as a sign, right? 😉

This entry was posted on Friday, December 12th, 2008 at 7:48 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.