Revolving-door ride
In one of my various password-protected entries, I’d posited how when a door closes, a window opens. But the real question I’d raised was that, when the door is left ajar, what exactly are you supposed to do?
Prop it open? Go running through it and get your answer right then and there? Wait for it to decide either way? Or run for the hills in the interim?
I chose the third option.
And that swinging door hit me in the ass.
I was knocked off my feet.
Well, I guess I was already ass over teakettle in the firstplace.
Maybe I just righted myself.
But did the door swing the other way?
I can’t tell whether it’s closed ’cause it still feels pretty fucking drafty around here.
So I’m thinking that when the door slams shut (assuming that’s the answer to the question I should be aiming for here) and the house collapses, all you can do is rebuild it from there.
And yes, that means somehow clearing away the debris.
And that debris is blowing right out the door.
I’m getting my hand vac ready just in case it doesn’t.
It’s time to resolve this once and for all. And not just let it resolve itself. It’s time to close the door, nail it shut and shove a dresser against it.
To put it mildly, I never felt so bad as I did when I went to sleep last night.
Well, that’s not true — believe me, I’ve been worse. So it’s very hard to break out the pity-party hats when a bad day today doesn’t even compare to a bad day six months ago.
Don’t get me wrong — I hurt myself here. Everyone always talks about having faith. Faith this, faith that. Good things won’t come to you if you don’t have faith in them happening.
Fine.
Faith with an extra side of hope and prayers, coming right up.
Did that come with return postage when the order came out wrong?
At this very moment, it’s like Edward Scissorhands got ahold of my heart and squeezed too hard.
I’ll rise above all this, I know it. I have to. I won’t have it any other way.
But I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t expecting to have to deal with this mess.
And that’s not to say that it won’t all figure itself out someday. But today ain’t that day. Today is the day to start grieving it properly.
Today is the day to tell myself to give up hope.
Even if that hope seems to renew itself in very odd ways at very odd times.
Oh well.
Moving on.
NEXT.
In any event, perhaps the door did actually close this time, because the window sort of blew out of its frame first thing this morning. Opportunity, perhaps? Diversion, most likely. Anything to keep me from thinking, I guess.
People tell you to follow your heart. I’m taking it one step further and telling you to follow it with a lasso, chain and padlock. Don’t let it get away from you and start getting any ideas.
“Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no one else to blame.”— Sia, “Breathe Me”
June 7th, 2007 at 10:36 PM
Been there, done that, got the f’ing t-shirt. And everyone wonders why I’m so cynical, even when I should be just writhing in bliss.
Bah.
I always go back to an old (old old old) Eagles song. Wasted Time.
You never thought you’d be alone
This far down the line
And I know what’s been on your mind
You’re afraid it’s all been wasted time
Maybe it wasn’t, maybe it was. All I know, is that some days it just doesn’t pay to feel.
I’ll be upstairs painting, call the house if you are up and need an ear.
June 7th, 2007 at 11:08 PM
*hugs*
You’ve got my number. Use it if you want.
June 8th, 2007 at 5:26 AM
*hugs*
June 8th, 2007 at 7:56 AM
Giiiirl, you know I love ya, you know where to find me, and you know there’s a big hug waiting for ya on Sunday at my place.