Caterwauling

I had a weird day today. It was OK — pretty good, in fact. I had a ridiculously fun meeting this morning, although I get the impression it wasn’t supposed to be but it couldn’t be helped. I just wish I could share some of the more entertaining details of my job, but some days I don’t think y’all would believe me, anyway. 😉

I did two major things today that I wasn’t sure I had the balls left to do. Knowing I might drive folks crazy and test their patience and frustrate the shit out of them is one thing, but I will never lie to them. So I told a very big truth today to someone whose opinion and respect very much matter to me. And then I made a phone call that might or might not change my life.

Something is going to change for me, and I don’t know what but it’s in the air. I have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make because it’s not like I ever take the easy road to anything. I also have a lot of research to do as well, not to mention soul-searching. I’m doing it, though, with a clear conscience, and I know that while the answers to questions I don’t even yet know to ask won’t come easily, they will come with clarity because of it.

I’ve had a lot of change happening in my life lately. And there’s this part of me that just wants things to calm down for a few minutes for me to catch my breath. But there’s this other part of me that is still in fighting form and doesn’t want to lose the momentum because it’s so freaking hard to get off my ass when I’ve been knocked on it or if I’ve just planted it somewhere for an undetermined amount of time.

I’m scared a lot these days, too. I know I’m not invincible. I’ve felt rock-bottom lows and don’t ever want to leave my heart lying in that ravine again. But I once heard a saying, something about making the uncomfortable, comfortable and the comfortable, uncomfortable.

There’s a lot of truth to that paradigm in everyday life. I think I am very afraid to be comfortable because something ALWAYS happens to rip that brief, shining moment of non-suckitude away when it graces my presence. So, if I’m constantly in flux or struggle, then things can’t possibly get worse — and that makes me feel OK.

It’s just on days like today that I actually feel some sense of victory that I wonder what the universe is going to do to smite me THIS time around. Great apartment, check. Family’s OK, check. Social life not completely abysmal, check. Job’s good, check. Blood pressure better than ever, check. So where’s that meteor with my name on it? Did it not get my change of address form? 😉 Does that mean it’ll be delayed two weeks instead of pummeling me tomorrow?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 at 10:00 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.