Pushing buttons

So let us take a break from our regularly scheduled navel-gazing — OK, so I’m lying, as things are definitely interesting around here — to head-scratch and to, fine, navel-gaze.

Someone from my way-distant past popped up on Facebook this week. And I keep seeing his shining face in the “People You Know” tool. I’m a half-step away from blocking him so I don’t have to see him. Because I? Am not going to be the one to friend him. But I don’t think I’d deny the request if he sent it first.

I don’t think I’m having a sentimental moment. I mean, he’s the reason why my weapon of choice in friendships and relationships that are going nowhere is silence. Don’t wanna deal with it anymore? Then walk away. Ingenious.

Of course, that’s assuming people get the hint. And don’t try to “get you” for having better things to do with your time.


Anyway, I wish I could just see what he’s up to. And to feel that, even though we’ll NEVER get back to being as close as we were, we’re not sworn enemies, either. It’s hard when someone you loved and respected gives up on you. I had to give up on someone, and I know all the ridiculous levels of retaliation basically boiled down to that. It just gets to a point where you can’t re-friend someone who’s done their level best to destroy you. The end.

But I didn’t destroy this one. The friendship, sure, I neglected. But I thought I was growing and trying new things and meeting new people. I didn’t feel I deserved the outright disapproval when it came to one person in particular. (See: “someone who’s done their level best to destroy you.”)

He saw it coming. He predicted it. He had to walk away. I’d thought HE was the crazy one at the time. And as has held true in most of my relationships, I was the one who turned out to be dead-wrong.

Anyway, not only do I want to see how he turned out, but I also want him to know that I’m OK, too. That no one, and especially not THAT one, could break-a my stride.

I also need for him to know that perhaps walking away from me might have been the stupidest thing he’s ever done, but it was just one more heartbreak over which I triumphed.

I’m at the point where we could be Facebook friends. Not real friends. There’s no love left. No anger, either. Just, nothing. OK, so I dream about him once in a while. This is the first time he’s actually surfaced after I thought about him.

In any event, I’m giving him another week till he learns the awesome privacy settings and starts blocking me on F-book. And that’s fine. I ain’t mad about that.

But I also cannot wait until all of our mutual friends start sending him my name as a friend suggestion. 😉 I know I will never hear about it, but I would bet my ass that it will happen. Repeatedly.

I just hope no one suggests to me that I be the one to make the add. It’s hard enough not clicking on “Add As Friend” without any prompting.

We were inseparable, once upon a time. Long ago and far away. And the divide is too wide to even think about bridging, mostly because even if I went to meet him halfway, I don’t think he’d be on the other side.

I do hope he’s happy. I have always silently been rooting for him. And despite the gulf between us, I believe he’s wished me the same. I just wish there were some way to let him know that the door might be chain-locked right now, but it’s still always open. …

2 Responses to Pushing buttons

  1. Sabre :

    So I went back and re-read the prior entry. At the time, I nodded and said, “oh, I have someone who shows up in dreams at certain points of my life, too!” Of course, my someone is a long gone friend who shows up when my life has gone haywire and I’ve lost all control. He’s a sign that I -must- make a change or perish. (So overly dramatic, but that’s what it feels like. Change, or die.)

    But this:

    […]he’s usually a sign that I’m in the right place at the right time. Sometimes he appears when I’m making a big change. I’d probably clock him over the head if I saw him in person, but I have to admit, his presence during my slumber is always peaceful and reassuring.

    I just wonder why he’s appearing to me now. I could certainly use change, even on the small scale, if that’s what he’s conveying.

    All right, you know my whole sense of “woo” is pretty much gone these days, but maybe his ACTUAL presence, as opposed to dream presence, is a huge big fat sign from the universe that the certain not-so-small change you’ve been contemplating is exactly what you need to be doing.

    And while I’m sure you’ve already contemplated that, at least a dozen times, as your friend it’s my duty to point out that THAT IS THE BIG FAT SIGN YOU WERE WAITING FOR!

    It’s time to fly 🙂

  2. The Goddess :

    *faints* Actually, it does take an amazing friend to point out the blinding flash of the obvious. I didn’t even think about his actual presence as being of any significance. I just couldn’t figure out why knowing that he’s out there lurking was bugging the fuck out of me. Now I know . …