Nearness, but not closeness

Well, the highlight of my evening was certainly NOT getting pulled over as I turned into my apartment complex, just for the cop to tell me I have a headlight out. Sigh. Everyone came out on their balconies to watch.

Good thing I’d only had two glasses of wine. (And a huge, delicious dinner to absorb it.)

Of course, I saw the cop flash his lights at me and I figured I should just go pull into my spot and start taking my leftovers and other goodies out of the car. He didn’t know what to do with me because I was organized and put all my paperwork in his hand before he even asked for it. It was great. 🙂

Anyway, hallelujah to no ticket. But I wanted to remember a line from “Looper,” which we saw last night … which wasn’t half-bad, actually. Not my cup of tea but I’d rather see stupid movies on the big screen and wait to buy good movies on DVD. (I’m looking at you, “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”)

There was a part where “future Joe” came back to the present and told his current self all about the woman he meets who basically loves him back to life. He said how this amazing person gave up everything to love his miserable, pathetic ass — he didn’t deserve it at all, but he would never have become a better man without this selfless and amazing creature.

My mind wandered for a moment there. We as women beat ourselves up constantly for everything we’re not. But we never really do stop and credit ourselves for loving with every fiber of our being. Sure, we tend to love the ones who don’t deserve it and/or can’t find it in themselves to try to return it. But if I put as much heart into my job and friendships as I did into the men I’ve loved, I could have achieved something pretty damn amazing in my day.

Needless to say, work isn’t my first love anymore. We’re in a nice “like” stage and I want to keep it that way. Since, you know, I tend to go from love to hate, and back again, in five seconds flat.

Right now I’ve got a wall around my heart. I am not sure if I’m just looking for an affair (not with anyone married. I’m not a whore, thanks. Just … looking for proximity but not necessarily closeness) or how long this phase of not wanting to give all of me again will last. But it feels good to be somewhat in control of my feelings again.

What I wouldn’t do to have a man like “old Joe” being so passionately in love with me that he’d travel back from the future to make everything right so that he could be with me again. Now THAT would be worth tearing down those walls for. …

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