One ringy-dingy

There’s a scene at the end of the movie “Say Anything” in which Ione Skye’s character is on a plane with John Cusack (*sa-woon!*) and she’s basically not going to be fine until she hears the ding of the seatbelt sign. Once she hears it, you know they’re going to be OK.

Then you hear the ding and the movie ends, and we assume they lived happily ever after. Or at least that they made it to London or wherever they were heading.

That’s basically where I’m at right now. The “I can’t take another goddamned thing please seatbelt button ding before I hurt someone” place.

I’m caught in the undertow of a Suck Cyclone and I KNOW it’s going to be sunshine and puppies and roses after all is said and done. It’s just that the suck is so immense, I don’t know what will be left of me when I get to where I’m going.

Just had a record three doctor’s appointments in an hour. Yay having everything in the same building. The initial round of results led to more bloodwork. I apparently have Things Wrong that I wasn’t aware of. So, I’m assuming they’re fixable with medicine and time. I’m just pissed that it took three co-pays (so far) to get to this point.

Anyway, I’m shocked that my blood pressure is normal. I’m wondering if all the not-good stuff that’s happening is signaling that I should stay put and deal with here. But it’s too far gone to turn back now, and even though I’m so very miserably sad to be leaving the only family I’ve really ever known, I’m also aware that my propensity to burst into tears on a moment’s notice is just the grieving process. A slow death before a fast move, if you will.

Let this be a lesson to me to not wrap my whole life around one group of people. To some extent, sure. But my attachment to my work family is absolutely unhealthy. (Just take a look at my test results.) And it’s why I’m so sad to be leaving — it’s like, but what else is there? Where do I take comfort when I’m giving up my security blanket and it’s all I have?

Yes, I am painfully aware of how pitiful this all sounds. Which is why I’m leaving — to find out who I am. To explore new worlds and claim a place of my own. To find functional relationships with people whose paycheck doesn’t bear the same company name, although to bond with those who do, as well.

Here’s to hoping that sun and sand is just what the doctor ordered. I mean, when your realtor is calling you at 7 a.m. to coax you off the ledge after the panic e-mails you sent her between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m., you know you need a change of scenery.

I have a stack of new prescriptions and more to come. I’ll fit in just fine with all the blue-hairs at whatever new pharmacy I adopt. See, I’ll be making new friends already!

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