Caterwauling

If this didn’t say a mouthful:

Friend, on learning he wasn’t the only one with an iPhone, “I wanted to be special!”
Me, as someone who wanted it first but was second, “Yeah, well, so did I!”

That actually brings me to a point, something more applicable to the grander scheme of life. And it is that I want to be more special than I already am.

I threw a little bit of a hissy fit the other day, for me, anyway. I emote all the time so it’s pretty rare when something is bottled up because I just KNOW it’s going to end badly if I don’t put things completely “out there,” even if only in my fucked-up blogging-style mentality in which I say what I need to say without always actually SAYING it.

But I sort of hit my, “I’ve had it,” point. I don’t mind taking shit if I can find a way to pay it back or forward, but some days you’re the fan and you just have to live with it. And I guess I got tired of being the perpetual fan that day and things, well, splattered because I was on “high.”

I am a big proponent of the “happy place.” I retreat there when I can. I have to — it’s the only place I can hide for a minute and choose my mask for when I return to the outside world. Nobody can touch me there, nor can they disturb what I’ve put in there. Because no matter how unrealistic my little world may seem, damn it, it’s MY world. Because in my world, I’m wealthy, I’m 5’9″ and I’ve had a lot of cosmetic surgery. 😉

And I flipped because, despite the ideal little universe I’ve created, I wasn’t its goddess at that very minute. Why? Because one of my storylines, I found, had a different starring character in “real life.” And man, that fucking rattled me.

What fucked with me even more was the sense of loss, the sense of wondering why all I had was a little dream and other people have it as reality. That the things I think are so far out of my grasp are probably being taken for granted elsewhere.

I’ve had mixed reactions from people because I bought my iPhone. Mostly everyone’s in awe of it and loves seeing what it can do. But I get a lot of shit, like, “You must be rich,” or “Well, good thing you paid for it — you can deal with all the bugs and I’ll get a cheaper and better version.” Or, my favorite, “It must be nice to have nothing better to spend your money on.” (Or, my second favorite, “Well, la-di-fricking-DA.”)

Well, actually, yes. IT IS NICE.

I’m not rich; I saved up for this thing. I floated my rent check till I could move my iPhone savings into my checking account. I did without a lot of little things for a long time so I could have the money to buy it when it came out.

And I almost didn’t get it. Yes, as usual, I panicked when it came time to spend the money. I let a whole week go by without buying it because I was terrified that the money should be saved for an emergency. Hell, I even called my mom and offered to pay her rent next month instead, because that’s the kind of person I am. I don’t do ANYTHING for me. EVER.

And in my happy place, I had an iPhone. At the point that I decided to buy it, it was the only goal I had that was actually obtainable.

So maybe I spent a lot of money on something others would perceive as frivolous or outrageous or even premature, but god damn it, I have something to show for busting my ass. I have something that I set my mind to and achieved, and guess what? I’M ENJOYING IT.

I was getting tired of always feeling like I’m working hard for nothing. That everything goes into rent and the cost of living, which is fairly atrocious here in D.C. That I’m always feeling like the fan but while everyone else is getting cooled off, I’m running at full capacity and my only relief is when the humidity abates and I can run on a regular speed for awhile.

No, I’m not looking for a purchase to lend meaning to my life. Instead, it’s a milestone that I can get what I want and that I can set my sights higher and higher and actually get the things I want and not have to look at everyone else enjoying their lives and their things and their experiences and me just feeling like my job is to stand by, only as an observer and not an experiencer.

That’s not why we’re here. We are not here to hope and wish and pray and wait. If we don’t get some rewards along the way — and let ourselves ENJOY them — there’s no point to any of this.

We are here to be joyful, to not just “get through” this experiment called existence. We make choices and we make mistakes, but sometimes we kick ass and we need to incentivize ourselves to keep on keepin’ on.

So someone else achieved some of my other dreams. It wasn’t just one thing, either — it was a package of quite a few. Whether I still want to aspire to those goals or whether I should go find some new ones because I’m pretty burned out and pissed off toward the original ones, is anyone’s guess. But now that I can take one of those dreams-come-true in and out of my happy place, well, I’m feeling pretty good right now.

So, if I can’t be “special,” today I’m “special enough.” And I’m OK with that today. I’ll find another way to be uber-special tomorrrow. But not feeling behind the 8-ball for a change is something I would like to enjoy more often than I let myself do.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 10th, 2007 at 8:40 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.