Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match (and some good karma plz)

“Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way.

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away.”

— Joni Mitchell, “Both Sides Now”

I told you my life is a Joni album.

Had a flash of genius on the highway this morning. I knew exactly how to finish a reference I owed someone. And I knew exactly to whom to send it.

Yes, I am a girl’s girl. “Goddess’ boys” are legendary in this field. But my girls? They are MUCH fewer in number. But just as amazing.

I reached out to T. I said look, it’s Valentine’s Day and I want to play Corporate Cupid. Would you consider JT to take the job I was stupid enough to walk away from? Oh by the way, here’s her resume and a glowing reference.

He said yeah, would you make the introduction? And I did and she was thrilled and so was he. About 10 emails later, I’ve made a love connection and they have an interview next week.

Today was my friend/cubemate D’s last day. I said I think I helped two people today. She said, Goddess, you helped three …

You helped your friend who needs a job … you helped the guy who was planning to hire you and who you feel you left in a lurch … and you helped yourself.

“The guilt has been killing you,” she pointed out. “You just solved a problem you haven’t been able to shake the guilt of creating.”

I told her this was the right thing to do. But it really closes the door to me changing my mind and getting the fuck out of Dodge at the 11th hour.

But she’s right. I am so, so happy to do a very good deed for two people I absolutely adore.

I didn’t have a great day. It wasn’t bad. Just, a clusterfuck in the last half-hour. Exactly what I wanted to avoid by leaving.

But, I always do pick the bad boy. The one who leaves me confused and crazy. And I was able to overcome feeling insane and heartbroken about hurting the good guy by sending him a good girl.

I think I’m a good girl. But not that good. I’m definitely drama and trouble. I’m exactly where I need to be, in that regard.

In any event, today is the day I stopped feeling like shit. And started accepting that this is my path.

The thing is, Mom always gets mad at me for helping everyone but myself. But my good karma is paying off. So is everyone’s that I know. And people like LVP are drowning in their karma, too. And we are all cognizant of that, too.

I finally, for the first time, feel like I am going to be OK. Filled with drama and insanity and unpredictability and scrambling and rushing and heart palpitations, yes.

But really, would I be able to survive in calm and predictable and reliable and happy like T. was offering? No. Fucking. Way.

But JT will be a perfect match. Calm, steady, not bored to absolute tears after mastering something in 10 minutes.

I did good. A lot of good.

Add matchmaker to my crazy skill set.

This probably closes the door forever to me going back. But it’s OK. I bet the guy gives me a great reference when it’s time to move on. He’s just that kind of guy. Just one I will have to love from afar now. But one I will love as someone I let get away just the same.

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