It’s like she was telling me to have a shitty day

I’m not the type of person to hate on a Monday simply because of what day of the week it is. No sense starting off a week with a piss-poor attitude — might as well distribute said sourpuss-ness equally throughout the week!

That said, Maddie took a wet, whopping shit while I showered this morning. Not only did she not bury it in the box (she never does), but she also thumped straight into the bathroom, onto the toilet and up onto the sink, where she sat her wet, steaming ass on my makeup bag. How do I know? There’s a series of wet brown spots from her asshole that I once dubbed “shitty kisses.” It took FOUR feminine wipes to clean her monkey butt, and now I see she also ran around the living room once before bringing her foul ass into the bathroom. Whee.

I’m going to go light a match, spray more room deodorizer, put my hair in a ponytail, cut off said ponytail and hang myself with it now.

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