In which Goddess flunks meditation class

I figured I should start going to meditation class. No time like the present, right? I figure, I’ve got so much on my mind these days, I could use a little bit of “me” time in my own little sacred space.

I didn’t want to judge it, as I need the techniques that these people know. But the class stressed me out more than I already was.

I think it helped, in the end, as it served to ease some of the tension that I carry in my neck and upper back. I was way mellow as I drove home, so not only was that a first, I guess we can call it a plus. So yeah, I guess I’ll be going back.

In the interim, here are the top 10 thoughts that ran through my head as the leader guided us through a meditation in which we were to imagine our various body parts smiling. Yes, you read that right.

1. If you can make my ass smile, then this class will have been worth the cost of entry.

2. Does thinking of somebody else’s smile qualify as envisioning the curve of a smile in my heart? Because my heart ain’t whistling Dixie here.

3. With my eyes closed this long, my eyeliner is definitely smudging. Damn it. I need to buy waterproof liner for next time.

4. Envisioning someone else’s smile is awesome. Wonder what that person is doing right now. Wait, am I smiling? Oh yay!

5. Wonder WHO that person is doing right now. Is homicide justifiable?

6. My ass is DEFINITELY not smiling. Nor is any other body part. Humph.

7. My legs are asleep. And my ass hurts from sitting on the floor. Screw this happy, tree-hugging granola shit.

8. What’s the point of relaxing, anyway? I just have to go home afterward.

9. What the hell is Dionne Warwick’s “I’ll Never Love This Way Again” doing in my head? Holy repressed memory coming through.

10. I should probably turn this shirt inside-out when I go to wash it.

Yes, relaxation and I are two ships passing in the night. …

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