‘I’m still sitting with this’
On “House of Stassi,” one of the sisters — either Georgi or Georgia, I think the former — kept saying, “I’m fine” and “It’s fine.”
Sound familiar? WE could be sisters.
The group quickly corrected her that no you’re not fine. So she agreed to say, “I’m still sitting with this” when she is not, in fact, fine.
My card was “Knight of Pentacles” yesterday. The theme was indeed “shut up and make that coin” and not say or do anything stupid.
The Knights do imply movement. But the Pentacles’ knight is sitting there looking at his purse, not doing jack to fuck with it.
By normal measures, I had a good day. It was a normal day. OK it is always chaos on Friday and it’s fi … “I continue to sit with this.”
Kelly sent me a bunch of job postings throughout the day. One of the salaries was $200k.
I told her I’m sorry — Jim, Beth and I are over here HOLDING THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY TOGETHER — can’t consider it.
She said that’s egotistical and the picture of martyrdom.
Yeah but it’s also true.
We’re in a dying industry and we are keeping Mitch McConnell, Neil Dunn and all those other Congresscritters who are dead alive, but we are paying them to be dead QUIETLY.
Thursday was the real day that this Knight of Pentacles almost jumped off her horse.
Look, I’m not employee of the year. I know that. But the boss messages me to say he heard I hadn’t done those fucking reports that no one gave me the data to do.
I said well I don’t know who are talking to because I indeed pulled them together. They suck but they exist. And you still haven’t given me the data but I will make us look good — like I always do.
I got asked about some other shit I let slide. Like, yeah but I got 16 other things right.
I didn’t say that but I did say I have enough going on with the people on the payroll.
I also said yes, I will fix this because it is a mess of my own making.
Then I wake up Friday to a panicked message from him about “Did anyone tell you about this deliverable?” And I’m like no but I’m in the business of removing obstacles.
And boss bitch over here DID remove the obstacle. Honestly I spent more time talking people off the ledge than I did on the actual deliverable.
I was fine with that because I had completed my newsletter on Thursday. But then he wanted it beefed up. Fine. Happy to.
The good news was I have been BEGGING to work with a guy I helped to get hired. But I was repeatedly told don’t bother him — he has different priorities than editorial.
(I have different priorities than rewriting freelance submissions of FREE content when I, with just two managing editors, run 22 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICES. But here we are.)
Anyway. Since they wanted things beefed up … the guy was told he has three priorities and Goddess is one of them. Atta boy, boss.
We had a great time. Productive time. Outstanding time. My passion for this stuff was renewed in one three-hour conversation.
I can’t believe I’ve regressed to posting about work shit again. Fucking kill me.
But what the boss would never understand is, I’M GETTING MY FIRE BACK.
That said, I told Kelly I’m not smart enough for the 200k job. I am skilled at putting out very specific fires. That does not translate to a Big Six firm.
She got so pissed at that. She wouldn’t have sent me the job if I weren’t smart enough. My life will always be being passed over for publisher. I won’t grow again till I get a new challenge.
I said Helena said the very same shit six years ago. I went to Helena’s company and got FIRED from it. (She did too.) And guess what? I quit talking to that bitch. You want that to happen to us?
Besides, I had so much damn FOMO for this place the whole time, wouldn’t that just happen again?
Look, I’m not fine. I get that.
Something is stirring …
It’s telling me I gotta go big or go home.
Like it didn’t take a tarot reading to tell me that. Or Kelly.
Or maybe it DID.
Like one of my employees said, they don’t mind writing products and picking trades and managing people.
They DO have concerns about writing ALL the products and writing all the reports and picking/writing up all the trades and managing all the people.
Meanwhile I’ve been splitting that job with them rather than working on MY shit.
Which … IS fine. I love that shit. I am EXCELLENT at that shit.
I just never FEEL excellent at that shit.
Because there’s always something that doesn’t interest me in the least that I get measured on. That I — being me — procrastinate on or bitch about until I just fucking do it. And, do it well enough that we go back to fine.
Honestly, I thought I did a great job with my beefed up newsletter. Kudos boss. Boss bitch stepped up when told.
I was so stoked about the new content, I asked if we could have a brand new division (which I could be publisher of, cough).
I was told NO pretty forcefully.
But I went back and said yeah this is bigger than even YOU think. This is like institutional-level research. Wall Street proper would pay for this shit. And my team wouldn’t have to pick trades.
Unsaid: I would be very interested in taking this from “cute side project” to “selling this shit to McKinsey.”
Am I qualified? No. Can I figure it out? Absofuckinglutely.
If there’s one thing I can see in my job-blogging evolution, it’s this …
I went from hyper-passionate about things I could do/fix … to passivity because I can’t lose income … to fuck it, I am not doing great things because I don’t have the space to live out loud … to I could be dead in five years, what do I want on my epitaph because it isn’t this.
I also have a nice 401k and trading account now.
It’s easy to get comfortable having a cushion, especially when I don’t have an ownership stake.
But maybe the real trick is to get comfortable enough to scream from the rooftops rather than expect a pink slip. And if I did, at least I know I went out making everyone as crazy as I am.
Alas. It’s Saturday and I have to go the post office.
Then I get to figure out a newsletter I HAD figured out last month but … still waiting on the data …
Then I get to rewrite those stupid FUCKING special reports that absolutely suck that some copywriter dreamed up and said “I want this, editorial should make it so.”
I don’t plan to apply to the 200k job. But now that I see all this in black and white, I think I am going to sit with the idea of it.
That was why I went to Helena’s job. My title was associate publisher right out of the gate.
Problem was, the publisher was a nice person but not a good businessman.
I do have businesspeople here. So maybe after 15 years, I can figure out how to make the business case for what I want.
Like my research friend said, I have the institutional knowledge AND the social skills to apply it.
Now that’s worth sitting with.