‘I never wanna feel your kind of pain again, boy’
Yams. Yams. Yams. Yams. Yams.
I had to actively hide all the sharp objects today. Because someone is going to die, I swear.
Haven’t ruled out the possibility yet. But I just had a nice hour-long talk with a friend here under the guise of a “meeting,” and I think I’m going to be OK. For now.
And so will everyone else, be OK. Again, for now!
It’s just non-fucking-stop. It’s the nature of the beast before a holiday. But taking all the deadlines from the end of the week, cramming them into the beginning of the week, and then having to work the holiday to do all the work that was due in the early half of the week … especially since I just got robbed of 40 vacation hours on my anniversary date … is making me very, very cranky. Very.
Another thing that made me cranky today was seeing pics posted on Topo Gigio’s FB from years past. My God, he looked fantastic when he was my age. (Just under a decade separates us.)
Don’t get me wrong — the boy is hot now. But he had so much life in him back in the day. The light in his eyes that I only used to see when he was with me — light that flickers on when he lays eyes on me (even now) before he quickly hides his gaze — seemed ever-present.
Shit, I lost my marbles because I so liked the current version of him. I would have been INSANE had I known him when he was so … vibrant, I guess. I didn’t recognize the chick in the photos but I’m sure he had the girls lined up back then.
He still could. Lord, the man has everything I ever wanted in another person. Well, except the “ability to love me” bit.
Details!
And so, we move on and look for that next time. It’s that simple … and that difficult.
I found myself really kicking myself today. The last time he and I went out, he suggested that we have someone take our photo. I have zero of us together and frankly, one of him that I took. Sad, eh?
But I said no thanks. Which, we looked good. Not just that we were dressed up for a night out on the town, but we looked fantastic together.
I should have handed my phone to the stranger we were talking to. It would be nice to have proof of how I spent the last year of my life. 🙂
I don’t know why I said no. I guess I didn’t want to be tempted into looking at it. At some point, then, I can at least pretend that everything was a hallucination.
And maybe I don’t have to pretend. Maybe it just was.
Moving on.
But first, the song that comes on my iPhone twice a commute despite a thousand other tunes clamoring for space in my head.
“My life’s been better
Since the day I left you, boy
I must admit life’s been kind to me
I went and did the things I said I would, boy
I found someone who loves me for meHaven’t had much drama since the day that we split, boy
My heart’s never been more at ease
And when I think of all the things you put me through
Leaving you has been the best thing for meSo why does it hurt so bad
Why do I feel so sad
I thought I was over you
But I keep crying
When I don’t love you.”— Whitney Houston, “Why Does it Hurt So Bad?”