Caterwauling

Life’s not bad these days. Sure, I have a laundry list of things that are frustrating the wits out of me (like not having any time/energy to do laundry, or go grocery shopping, or actually *cook* when I do have food in the house, as Tiff so lovingly reminded me. Or, for that matter, get enough sleep), but overall, things are about 200% better than they were at this time last year.

That said, I told someone tonight that I am generating some fan-fucking-tastic karma right now. I have yet to see the results, mind you, but I was saying that when they come, for example, I’m not just gettin’ a husband (eventually, my friends … don’t wanna scare any current or potential contenders!) — I’m getting a sugar daddy. w00t! LOL

Perhaps said sugar daddy will somehow help me to actually get some sleep at night — my sleep window is limited to a maximum of six hours anyway, and most of them are spent being an insomniac. I just got another major financial worry thrown at me and I am ready to take the nearest bridge. Seriously, God? The curveballs are coming too frequently right now. Slow your roll, cowboy.

Both Tiff and my other adored friend Shan were very strongly reminding me that this shit that does suck, well, shall pass. The past year has been about survival — the next year is about triumph. They have seen me at my worst — they were among the few who reached out their hands to help keep me steady (and to outright hold me up, at times), and I am happy to let them in on the good things that are surely in store.

Unfortunately, Tiff’s and my proclaimed “No Bullshit ’05” (for me) has included some bullshit (and not necessarily of my own making), but I’ve still got time to sweep the stall. But I think, for me, it all boils down to the fact that while I can oftentimes ask for exactly what I want, I have a hard time saying exactly what I *don’t* want and can absolutely no longer stand.

I have been brought up to smile and be polite and to digest my own bile, if need be, to keep the peace — silence, in my family, is a virtue. You’d think my momma was a Southerner. (And, for that matter, Catholic or Jewish, for all the damn guilt trips I still get about moving away!)

Of course, silence was not in my grandmother’s vocabulary — never met such a straight-shooter and never will again. I think she would be proud of me when my Inner Tourette’s pops up, although she would never excuse it as such.

She was intolerant of stupidity, wishy-washiness and, well, dickheadedness. The woman feared nothing. I miss her — she knew everything and could read people flawlessly. And she didn’t sugar-coat a damned thing . If I pissed her off, she’d curse at me in Italian to go fuck myself. LOL. THAT was love!!!

And I sometimes joke that her spirit jumped into my body, because something inside of me is giving in, in that regard. It’s like in the movie where the guy goes apeshit on the evening news and tells everyone to shout out that they’re mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore.

Shan and I had one of those several-hour-long conversations the other day (much like Tiff’s and my usual four-hour conversations) — with both of them, we have been known to both open and close down restaurants, as we are immersed in our catching up.

And Shan was kind of lamenting the fact that she doesn’t come up with business ideas anymore when the exclamation point formed over her head and she said, “You’re the reason why! You’re not here; I’m not there — we could never have a conversation where we didn’t have our notebooks out, planning just exactly how we were going to take over the world.”

I laughed but was flattered. And I realized that I don’t think about those things either — our PR business, our volunteer work, our management books, our vocational coaching business, our youth empowerment classes, our resource center, our greeting card/cartoon/merchandise line. …

What I always loved about her, and Tiff, too, of course, is that “no bullshit” approach to life. Job’s making you insane? Prepare to work for yourself. People in your life making you insane? Divorce ’em, mentally. Want/need something? Ask for it. Don’t get it? Bite your tongue and craft your escape plan. Hate your apartment? Move.

Not a goddamned thing has to be forever unless you want it to be. And until someone’s giving me a “Will You Marry Me?” engraved iPod (because engagement rings are so passe. LOL. Although my sugar daddy might opt for a “Let’s Get Hitched” iBook, and I’d be OK with that too), well, permanence isn’t in my vocabulary.

Liberating, no?

None of us are particularly fond of “let’s make things work” unless, of course, there’s something in it for us. Because I think all of us, at some point in our lives, have felt used and abused — when you’ve got a fundamentally gentle, giving nature, you get screwed.

Like I said earlier, I am generating some damn good karma right now — this part of my life may be less difficult than the last, and I expect that it will keep becoming more and more bearable, then comfortable, then downright enjoyable. This is my wish, my belief, my reason to keep hanging in there. I think all we want in life is a little bit of peace and a whole lot of happiness. And money. Lots of that will buy me most of the rest. 🙂

It’s kind of like how the vampire won’t come into your house unless you invite him. It’s not that any of us collectively invite aggravation into our lives — of course we’d all love to live a stress-free existence — but we all tolerate the unwanted guest and even pretend we don’t notice it or, worse, we accept that the freeloading, bloodsucking son of a bitch is bleeding us anemic. And if that doesn’t make us mad as hell, what else is it going to take for us to not take it anymore?

Of course, we put up with said vampire if we’re paid to. 😉 But really, do you ever truly stop dreaming of driving a stake through its heart, regardless? Do you ever feel like others are discounting what you need in favor of what they want? Are some of them hanging upside down, caught in the very same bear trap, and it might take you to be the one to be adamant enough to break the cycle?

Some days, you wonder just how many more dues you’re going to have to pay before you overcome whatever the hell you did wrong in your past life. But all fallow times must come to an end, and that only comes when you learn to appreciate the stillness, the winter-like deadness that is inevitably followed by your season of light and life and color and harvest.

I’ve spent a lot of time fearing the harvest — that someone would steal it or somehow manage to extinguish my fire again. But I am taking back that power — I am going to multiply that power and leave footprints so that no one will miss the fact that I walked this earth. And, if necessary, some of those footprints might be on some foreheads or in some assholes, but nonetheless, the Goddess is back and ready to take on the world again.

Blessed be.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 20th, 2005 at 8:59 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.