Either help me out or move the hell out of my way. There are no other options

I’ve come to accept that in northern and central Maryland, the land of two-lane highways, idiots will always ride in tandem. Do not pass go, do not pass ANYONE for that matter — just tailgate one until you get pissed off and move aside to tailgate someone else.

I am not a tailgater by nature. I am known to slam on my brakes to antagonize someone who’s up my butt when I’m already breaking the sound barrier speed limit.

But then for the past two days, on the GW Parkway (through Virginia and D.C.), folks have been riding next to each other on this non-Beltway oasis. What the HELL?!?! I know the speed limit ranges from 40 to 50 — and NOBODY does less than 65 in the rain or snow (I rarely let the needle drop below 70 mph).

So why god WHY were people driving side-by-side, both at 50 mph during my ride today? (Answer: Both had Maryland plates. And Marylanders CANNOT DRIVE.)

I jumped behind a Lexus in the passing lane — those fuckers don’t know where their brakes (or TURN SIGNALS) are, but I know for a FACT that they know where the gas pedals are — but no luck. So I tried to pass in the RIGHT-HAND lane, of all things, yet no luck there either. I had people up MY butt that I was trying to LOSE, too.

Fucktards. Put DOWN the coffee and pick UP a driver’s manual. I know nobody wants to be the lead car in the pack, but for god’s sakes, you’re no less conspicuous when you’re afraid to pass. Get the FUCK out of my LANE and let ME be the lead car — I’ll take my chances with the cops. Believe me, they know me on sight and already have the ticket ready to hand to me as I sail by!!! And I’d STILL get to work faster, being pulled over, than I am riding the snail trail of dipshit drivers every day of my life.

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