Choices
Cryptic bullshit alert!
Scenes from Aisle 6 of a grocery store:
Somewhere between the bottled water and the new Crystal Light tangerine-strawberry drink mix, it occurred to me that maybe it really is just *that* easy to choose to be happy.
I mean, I had “a moment,” one in which I wanted to rip his cell phone out of his hand and beat him with it — he’d gotten that far under my skin without even trying. Without even noticing it. Do I not emote? How is it possible to miss whatever it is that I am not saying — does my head not spin 360 degrees?
I became possessed for a second, but only that — my meltdowns are quick. Logic always wins. The heart quiets down. Ya blink, ya miss it. Now, I don’t want to waste my wishes, but sometimes I do dream that someone would just “get” me right away so I wouldn’t feel bad about having a human moment, one that I squelch and pretend never even so much as threatened to happen.
But maybe that’s it — maybe the big things are worth fighting for, and the biggest thing of all is happiness. It’s hard to recognize it, and sometimes we have to force it, but it seems like securing/preserving it is where one’s energies are best channeled. I fight so hard with myself to stay cool, neutral, unruffled — I want to be passionate and over-the-top and memorable. The latter, for me, takes so much less energy, believe it or not. But it’s the former that gets me further, as I tend to spend less time gnawing on my cute yet supremely uncomfortable shoes after stuffing both feet in my mouth rather regularly.
Life offers a balance, though. I can also say that I also experienced (separately) one of those rare moments when the right words came out at the right time and in the right way. Things like that are meant to be savored and cherished and, more importantly, presented to God with a big thank-you note for making them possible.
If only all moments could be so effortless, but maybe the universe throws them our way to reward us for all the moments when our mental cell-throwing fantasies remained just that — a vision in our heads, one we will choose to forget and instead dream of better things to come.