Caterwauling

I love green. My new template belies that. My eyes are green, and I wear lots of it to try to bring them out. (Case in point, this old photo. And for the record, do I have any non-cleavage shots? Yeah, didn’t think so.)

Ahem. Anyway, my mom sent me a valentine today, and in it she gave me a sheet of Muppets postage stamps.

I called her to see just how large of a crack rock she was smoking thank her for thinking of me, and she said, “Yeah, I know you like Kermit, but they wouldn’t do a full sheet of those.”

And I had one of those horrible childhood flashbacks.

“Mom,” I said, “I didn’t like Kermit. In fact, I didn’t much like the Muppets in general. YOU were the one who liked Kermit. You’re the frog collector.”

She was stunned. “But you liked frogs.”

“Because YOU did,” I said.

And then the downward spiral in my mind began.

HERE’S THE STORY …

Maybe my mom was just overly excited about everything when I was a kid, but she liked “Kermie” (as Miss Piggy called him), so much so that I always associated him with her.

One night, I was happily parked in front of the TV when the Muppets came on. I must have been 4 or 5, and I ran to get Mom so she could see her froggy beau.

So I ran into her bedroom to say, “Kermit’s on TV!”

Yeah, that might’ve been true, but my stepfather? Was on HER.

Ewww.

I had no idea, of course, what the hell I’d walked in on. All I remember is her underwear and her beloved Virginia Beach T-shirt lying on the floor.

(That’s where they’d eloped to, and the day before they ran off, I as a precocious 3-year-old had said, “Mommy, don’t do it.” I hated him and didn’t want her to go do whatever it was that meant we were going to have to live with him. No wonder my grandmother thought I was the smartest kid on earth.)

So, I didn’t know what to do, so I closed the door and went back to the TV. And I never much cared for Kermit after that. 😉

I told mom the story today, and she’s more than horrified and is probably killing herself as I type this. But what else is a child to do than to torment her mother for all the things that contributed to screwing (heh) her up in life?!?!

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