‘You’re so vain’

I was just listening to Limp Bizkit’s cover of “Behind Blue Eyes,” and I loved it. Then I remembered someone from my past who loved that band, and I would bet my last dollar that he thinks of “Behind Blue Eyes” as his new theme song. What with the blue eyes and all, and the hard life to fit the storyline of the tune.

I get e-mails from him now and again. Nothing special, just jokes forwarded to his handful of friends, and I’m somewhere in the mix.

I know, at heart, he’s truly a good guy. But when I needed him, he was nowhere to be found … not even when he promised to go “halfsies” on a little brush with what I like to call expensive birth control. That was more than two years ago — I stopped waiting for that support and/or money almost that long ago. I sure hope he didn’t think I actually wanted or enjoyed being in that position … especially the being alone part.

I don’t hate him. I’m actually rather indifferent toward him, for the most part. I read and delete the e-mails. Once in awhile, he says something sweet, aimed just at me. I enjoy it momentarily then forget about it. Kind of like our own entanglement — I enjoyed it, suffered the end of it, and got the fuck over it.

Shawn and I were talking about how some people hold grudges forever. That’s not us — it’s unhealthy to hold onto all the built-up hurt for too long. It’s better, and definitely more significant, when we can walk away from people and situations that caused us pain, whether they intended it or not. Everything’s a growing experience, and sometimes, we grow apart, stop growing together or there is no growth left to occur until a clean break is made.

At any rate, whenever I hear that Limp Bizkit song, I wonder if he’s somewhere hearing it at the same time and thinking that the song is about him. And I can only wonder if he’d ever know that Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” runs through my head at the exact same moment.

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