What does ‘The L Word’ mean to you?

So “The L Word” premiered tonight. What does it stand for, you ask? Hmm. Labia. Lust. Longing. Licking. Lots of soft porn. But in the case of the inaugural episode, I’ll say it stands for Long.

And before you even ask, I’ve already reserved my copy of Melissa Etheridge’s “Lucky”.

Spoiler alert!

I had high hopes for the show, and I did enjoy the debut. I will definitely tune in for future episodes. But one L word — lifelike — is not one that I would use for some of the scenes.

Shawn watched the first hour with me but skipped out on the last 35 minutes, which was a shame, ’cause that’s when it really started to get good. They saved all the girl-girl sex scenes for the last few minutes. But the early part of the show was devoted to hetero sex — not that I have any problem with that, mind you, but it seemed really weird on a show that the L.A. Times dubbed, “”Imagine the women of ‘Sex and the City’ sleeping with each other. …”

Well, that’s really impossible, because it’s not LOL-funny like SATC, but it’s got its own merits. Shawn and I were just shocked how unreal the sole “straight” couple (and I use that term loosely) were — after a party at the home of Bette and Tina (who are planning to have a baby together), token straight girl Jenny gets kissed by the ridiculously sexy Marina in the bathroom. Jenny freaks and drags her sorta-cute boy Tim out of a conversation, begging, “Take me home!” Um, dumb bitch, y’all live next door. Walk your scrawny ass over there yourself, mmm-kay?

So he gives up an opportunity to talk to reporters about his glory hole days in the Olympics to take her sniffling ass home. When they get there, she rips open his pants and gives him a blow job. Now if that wasn’t unrealistic enough for you, he pushes her away and says, “Let’s talk!” Um, yeah. Women are just dying to give blow jobs, and men are simply more interested in having a heart-to-heart conversation about why we’re so upset over something that we jerk their dicks outta their pants and start licking it like it’s a melting ice cream cone in the desert. Like Dr. Phil likes to say, “Get real!”

Like our soon-to-be-retiring (and in my case beloved) sitcom “Friends,” they all hang out at a coffee shop, Planet, which happened to be owned by Marina. And Jenny just happens to stop by there every day (girl, what was WITH your hair that first day you stopped by? It looked like you slapped a hairnet over a weave. Wash your fucking hair before a shoot!). So she clearly wasn’t all that wigged (ha, I slay me!) out over playing tongue twister with a hot chick.

Of course, I wasn’t so cynical for the rest of the show, or I’d have turned the damn thing off. When I first saw the previews, I thought Shane was going to be the character I liked the best, what with her irreverence and proclivity for casual sex. (Let me insert the note that Paul, Bryan, Shawn and I were looking through my old photo albums tonight, and well, it was duly noted that I’d slept with, oh, everyone pictured — and most of them had dated one of my friends beforehand.) But I kind of thought Marina was the hottest, at least tonight — she was waxing poetic about literature, and admittedly, my mind is my “real” G-spot, so I strangely found myself mesmerized by her mouth while she talked.

(OK, the raving bisexual in me is coming out tonight.)

We laughed heartily, though, when the gay dads’ group strolled by, with their babies strapped securely in Snuglis for their weekly walk together. It was just cute, not to mention a desperately needed humor break.

I do look forward to the continued development of the characters. Jenny was an obvious first choice for the focus of the pilot episode — the naive girl who comes out to big, bad L.A. to be with her sweetheart (who proposes at the end of the episode, the morning after she slept with Marina). Jenny was compelling and believable, but a touch on the whiny side. I’m certain the next episode will probably pick up more about Bette and Tina’s attempt to become mommies — they had a tangle with slow-swimming sperm, interviewing various men about donating their sperm and finally, taking home a hottie for a threesome in an attempt to get Tina pregnant, which was foiled when the guy broke out a condom.

Showtime offered an online chat session with Jennifer Beals (who plays Bette) immediately following the show, but I tried to log in and was unsuccessful (fuck you for not supporting Mac users!). I think she was the only one whose nipples weren’t shown, and I wanted to ask why she was so friggin’ special. 🙂

In any event, I was turned on by the sex scenes and headed straight to the bedroom for five minutes of fun with the vibrator before trying to log into the chat session. LOL — I have a confession: I rarely masturbate to thoughts of men. I mean, really, my masturbation sessions are longer than most sexual encounters I’ve had with the opposite sex. I really do enjoy dating men, but there’s something about sex between women that will always turn me on. …

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