Welcome to the Patch!

I want to introduce new characters to the Veggie Patch Playset.

For the unfamiliar, I work for the Veggie Patch (or Club Medicated, take your pick). Shan and I came up with a “Veggie Patch Playset” that serves as the backdrop of our daily adventures. For a nominal fee, participants can secure a supplemental “Veggie Pak” full of samples of Zoloft, Xanax, Paxil, Prozac, fuzzy bunny slippers and pill cups.

Today we added “Skipper,” the newly promoted assistant for King Kumquat of the Veggie Patch (otherwise known as Cruise Director of Club Medicated). Skipper came from being Barbie’s sidekick. Do the math on that one.

We also added Popcorn Bandit (see two entries ago), formerly Candy Pig.

But the crowning jewel on our tiara of hysteria came when Shan was mentioning that, more than a week ago, somebody was supposed to give her something vital to doing her job. She still hasn’t received said item. I said that she’d have better luck asking Santa Claus for said item, because we have a better chance asking a figment of our imaginations than this real-live (sort of) person. Long story short (after some discussion of the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy), we renamed this dipshit the Halitosis Fairy. Instead of money under your pillow, you get a cloud of funk in your office.

Speaking of funk in the office, it’s clear that nobody cleaned the bathroom floors last night. It’s a fucking health hazard, the drops of blood that have been there for two friggin days. Ugh.

I’m getting sick. It’s official — I should’ve gotten a flu shot. Of course, it doesn’t help that the A/C is on in my building, blowing out the vents right above my desk. I sound like I swallowed a fucking frog. Of course, one might argue that I kiss a lot of frogs, and maybe I just sucked on one a little too hard.

Eh, forget that last part. I’ve used up my humor for the day! Anybody have a cough drop?

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