Too much thinking

Today’s Gemini horoscope:

You may be caught in a difficult quandary in which your attention to other people’s needs and emotions may draw you into dramas that you do not wish to be a part of, dawn. As a result, you may become very indecisive and unsure of which way to proceed. You will find, however, that you are confident of your decision once you have made it.

I’ve done way too much thinking today. Am I happy where I am? What needs to change — job, geography, what? I cried a lot today, and maybe it was for nothing. I don’t know. I’m just really sad and confused right now. Should I stay here in Alexandria, or should I leave town when my lease expires next summer? When the hell am I going to get my finances together? When am I going to go into business for myself? How am I going to do it? How am I going to afford my bills? You’d think, with my income (which is decent, for my age), that I could afford my life. But I can’t. I’m not extravagantly spending money — it’s all loans and credit cards and car and housing — stuff I ran up long ago and in small increments. Now I am barely getting by. And I hate every minute of it.

I’ve made a lot of good friends around here, but some are leaving, and others plan to leave soon. I suppose I can always make new friends (and, of course, keep the old ones, no matter how far away they go!), but that would require motivation on my part. Maybe I need some alone time to get my career in order and decide if I can do it from somewhere else, preferably somewhere more affordable.

My grandfather is going into renal failure — the same thing my grandmother and great-grandmother died from. That means mom will need me — she has no property, no income (she’s a full-time caregiver). And lord knows I can barely support my furry children — how will I be able to take care of all of us?

I’m going to go take a nap — my eyes are practically swelled shut from sobbing most of today. I hate being unsure of how to survive from paycheck to miserable paycheck, and of course today’s paycheck was short due to furlough days. Fuck me running.

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