Reality
Finally coming down off of this weekend’s indulgences. Cripes, I slept so much yesterday!!! It’s weird to be awake and alert again, although I could easily have another 10-hour nap right now.
While I was out of my senses briefly, I was happy. Nothing bothered me, and I had no desire to worry or to sort out my life … simply watching “Real World” reruns on MTV was plenty enough activity for my little brain.
But today, reality is back and, I expect, ready to kick me in the ass. Yippee.
Dreamed of Brat last night. I’ve been with people who barely pervade my thoughts during my waking hours, yet I can’t get this one out of my head, even at night. I haven’t thought of him in awhile, but I guess knowing that he’s still out there somewhere has recently seeped into my head and won’t leave. Dreamed that he told me he wanted to make it work but has a girlfriend now — I vaguely remember the name being Brenda. But I looked at the twinkling eyes and deep dimples, and even in the dream, it was impossible for me to hate him. Last September was filled with my own giddiness and satisfaction in chasing … and catching … him. This September brings so much remembrance of last year’s events at this time, along with understanding and forgiveness. I guess it wasn’t so crazy that I really believed that he’d be in my life forever, but I guess it was unrealistic to tell him that same hope and expect that he either felt the same way or was open to considering it.
An ode to Brat, something I haven’t done in this space in a long time:
“Somehow I’ve lost the plot along the way
Can’t find the words to say
But I know I’ll find you there tonight.
You ask me the question,
‘Are you superconnected
With me
And I’ll come running after you.'”
— Seven Channels, “Superconnected” —
The song has been in my head for two weeks, so forgive me, gentle reader. Reading it is MUCH better than listening to me sing it!!!
In watching “Real World” reruns, believe it or not, but I did get some reasoning accomplished. I watched Lori from the second New York cast as she chased men, caught them for 10 seconds, and watched as they ran screaming. That’s a familiar scenario in my world. I wonder if she sits and watches the episodes and thinks, “Damn it — I get burned every time I chase a man … perhaps I should let the next one chase me.” Or, like me, does she vow to play hard-to-get until the next man arrives in her life, whereupon she forgets what she’s learned and decides to run after these guys, who keep running, but in the wrong direction?
The thing I’ve learned with dating is to act like you could give a shit less, whether he wants you or not (then again, this has backfired on me on numerous occasions, as well). I don’t know, perhaps IKEA Boy is right … I need to stop sleeping with people on the first date (I can do this with a codicil that I can sleep with the ones I don’t like so that they, in fact, WILL quit calling! lol). But I’m a gay man in a woman’s body, no doubt about that. The fact that I think like a man has impressed nearly all of the straight men in my life … one would think that they would be happy to be guaranteed sex on the first date. Grrr. I realize that I probably have sex with them on the first date because I hate going for long periods of time without it myself. I mean, yikes, it’s been nearly two months for me … next guy I meet had better plan on being raped (especially if it’s after a gym visit — gawd damn, do I get horny when I’m there!!!), but I guess that means that I’d scare him away, like I’ve done with most of the rest of them. Humph.
Naptime! (oh, goodness, I’ve turned into Maddie!)