Precipice
The air just changed a few minutes ago. No, nobody’s here but Maddie and me (and no sudden draft just blew through the house, so that rules out ghosts), and the doors are locked, so there are no live intruders in the place, but I just kind of perked up and realized that something is looming. What, I have no idea, but I’m eager to find out.
Have had a few good responses to my personal ad this week. I’ve been too busy (and let’s face it, too cheap) to even think about paying the money to respond to any of them, but I am sort of intrigued by one. Another one gave me a great response but said he feared he wasn’t my type. So I read HIS ad, and as it turns out, I am the one who isn’t HIS type. He’s looking for the anorexic (read: probably doesn’t want to have to spend money to feed them) type, and well, that ain’t me. Oh well. His loss.
And THEN I heard from my gender-neutral personal ad account, from a person with whom I’d been e-mailing for weeks until the Xmas holidays came and went. And maybe I’ve read entirely too many pages of my Melissa Etheridge, “The Truth Is: My Life in Love and Music,” but maybe the stunning disappointment (anybody remember G3?)that I’ve been feeling with the men I’ve been meeting recently might be a biological indicator that I need to broaden my horizons for a little while, to see what it is that I’ve been possibly denying for years. 🙂 I will always love and worship men, but it’ll be interesting to broaden my horizons. … There’s a bit of a geographical distance, which has made me feel safe because it’s not like there is a date in the near future. I get to kind of talk and share and learn, and maybe, eventually even consider something different. I like the personality so far and hope to gain a good friend out of this process.
At any rate, the Melissa book is wonderful. I’ve been highlighting passages that totally sound like they could have been typed by me. She called her (boring) job one day and said she quit, and she went and got a nightclub gig that very night. She wrote, “If I was going to have a job, it was going to be playing music. Music and nothing else.”
While I have the musical talent of a deaf-mute, insert my own talents in there. She wanted to follow her heart, and everything else be damned. And look where she is today.
She also wrote about the exact moments when her grandmother and dad died. Those hit waaaayyy too close to home for me. I cried over both, remembering similar conversations and circumstances.
She wrote about the tingling sensation your body goes through when something important (wonderful or wretched) is about to happen. I get flashes of that feeling every now and again. And I just felt it.
In an ideal world, I’d get the promotion at work, I could stay there and make enough money to move so that I can set up a home office, and then open up my own business. Or, save up some money and invest in Shan’s business, so that when it takes off, I will earn back my money and then do my own business. And in an ideal world, I’d start dating again, as I’ve had a bit of a dry spell lately. And in a TRULY ideal world, those who lost their chances with me will kick themselves in the ass for letting me walk away from them. 🙂