‘Money, that’s what I want’

I don’t know what it is about D.C. that makes me cry these days. I tell ya. Maybe it’s the fact that my hotel in Florida sucked and I didn’t get an iota of sleep for the past two days. But when I touched down here at home, man I wept with joy.

I’m beginning to wonder whether my tears of grieving for all I’m leaving behind are simply just a physical reaction to going because maybe I shouldn’t.

Oh well. Too late to turn back now.

I’m still homeless, as it were. I won’t hear about the two potential living situations till tomorrow. Both are equally, heinously expensive. And I don’t know how else to do it but on faith. That’s how I’m doing pretty much everything these days.

My plane landed with just enough time for me to head to church. Because let’s face it, I need all the help I can get right now. God, I hope you’re looking after me and you’re as crazy in love with me as the pastor said you are. Your follower is beyond lost these days and greatly needs a life GPS.

My pastor’s wife said she’s praying for me to find my new home and to love it. To some extent, she’s praying that there’s still time for me to make the right decision, if I haven’t already. You and me both, sister. You and me both.

I think where I’m challenged right now is that it’s all so hard. I don’t mind hard work. I don’t mind hard times because I know they’ll end. But I’m approaching all of this from such a deficiency, from waning mental capacity and health and from every little setback feeling magnified. I keep trying to pray on it. At this point, I just pray to stop crying already and start feeling good enough to push forward and not feel like the universe is shoving back.

The pastor said today that many of us feel comfortable viewing God as emotionless. He’s a manager, a decision-maker, in our minds. He can lay off this person and let that person go and choose another to succeed. But it’s not so, per the Word. He loves us and wants us all to pass this life test with flying colors. And He’ll help, if we ask.

I’m asking.

Something else interesting that came out of today’s sermon is how we were created to walk in fellowship — that we all have a group we’ve been with, through thick and thin and everything in between. Those are/were my current set of colleagues. Every life event happened to us there. And to break away from it is scaring the hell out of me.

I need to break out of this all-or-nothing mentality. I’m not giving anything up. I’m merely exchanging some things for others, but not losing everything in its entirety. And even though I cry like a freaking baby every time I think about what/whom I’ll miss, I’m absolutely fine when I’m gone. Shit, other than lying awake for two very long nights, I was downright happy. (Minus the stressing over housing.)

I guess whatever will be, will be. I just don’t know whether I should try to do more or if I should take everyone’s advice and chill out till tomorrow.

In any case, it looks like I need to leave some of my (precious little) furniture behind. It just won’t fit where I’m taking it, assuming I get either of these places. It just hurts that I have so little in this world, and I’ve worked so hard for it, and there’s just no place for it.

Maybe a massive purge today will make me feel better. Less to pack/carry, less to worry about. Once I get into the groove of making money again (i.e., I know when my next paycheck is coming, but not the one after it), and once I get all these stupid security deposits and moving fees paid (about three months from now), I can hit Swedish Central (i.e., IKEA) and life will be back to normal again.

Lord give me strength (and cash) during the next three months. And if You can only pick one? Cash. Love, that girl I hope You’re crazy about, like the pastor said.

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