‘Love leaves an open door’
“This world’s gone crazy
And it’s hard to believe that tomorrow
Will be better than today.
Believe it anyway.”— Martina McBride, “Anyway”
There’s a hole in my early mornings and/or late evenings that blogging used to fill. I looked so forward to sharing my escapades, the lessons I learned, the kindesses I received on a given day. And they don’t stop just because I’ve kicked up my feet and taken a break.
Among the hundreds of visits and dozens of communications from those kind souls who actually know how to get hold of me, I wanted to say I’m fine, theoretically. I’m tired and sad but I’m seeing little miracles coming to me, helping me to get through. I’m seeing the value of friendship in ways I never dreamed possible.
My heart has been deflated, but it’s starting to hold a little bit of happiness and anticipation again. My friends have been doing yeoman’s work in patching the holes with love, and in that, I can hold on to the hope that builds upon it.
That’s the thing with letting toxic people into your circle — they smoke out the goodness (read: the better things) that others can bring. They don’t want you to have a moment of happiness — they want to deprive you of oxygen and make you dependent upon them. And when you walk away, you wish you hadn’t wasted so much time on what little you had accepted as happiness.
“Sometimes all we can do
Is stand up tall
When they’re standing in line
Just to watch us fall.”— Sugarland, “These are the Days”
And then when they come back to haunt you (through a shitty message pretending to be my recently deceased grandfather supposedly burning in hell because I wasn’t able to save him. Psychotic prick. Amid all your other antics like impersonation with intent to lose me another job, that was low even for you) and then threaten you, well, enough. I have to take my power back.
It was always my own power, but I had to assert it. If taking down the blog means I don’t have to see your spoofed IP addresses or those of your friends if you actually had any that you didn’t bully into being nice to you because they see what you do to those who dare to walk away, well, fuck it. I’m happy to go offline. And this comes not a moment too soon.
Bear in mind, you did not take away my blog. You didn’t discontinue my access to what has always been a happy place for me. I’ve just got better things to do right now than to give you access to my heart and my thoughts — access that I clearly denied, time and again, specifically to you, for reasons too plentiful and too embarrassing to list here.
I will continue to pray for your soul. I will hope that you don’t hurt anyone else the way you’ve tried to damage me. I will always wish that you don’t harm others or yourself any more. You were given a brilliant mind and abilities beyond what normal people can only dream of. Use them productively and make the world a better place. I have faith that one day, you will. I know you want to be loved, not feared and loathed. But only you have the power to make that happen, and I hope you do.
AND NOW, THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
On to better subjects, I have a little Christmas tree in my office, provided by “Mrs. Claus,” according to one of my boys who served as her elf, so he says. And I walked in Monday to find a pile of presents and baked goods under the little glass table on which it sits. I cried for a half-hour, as I wasn’t planning on having any Christmas and they made sure I did. A few others have followed suit, and I not only do I have the prettiest office around, but also the one with the most love.
My one dear, dear friend asked what she could do to give my mom and me some holiday joy. Which, let’s face it, is damn near impossible but it takes a real friend to want to try. And I remembered when I was unemployed two years ago with not two dimes to rub together. She handed me gas money and said I was not to spend the holiday alone — I needed to go see my family. And how was I to know that it would be one of my grandfather’s last holidays on this earth? What if I had missed it?
That’s a true friend — one who doesn’t want you to miss out on life’s special moments because it doesn’t feel right to celebrate when you’re just plain broken. That’s the last thing we need — more regrets.
I don’t want any more regrets. I need my mom’s and my safety and peace of mind to be the greatest gift of all this year. We’ve suffered enough. Hence, this is the last hurrah for this blog for now.
For those of you who are the types of normal, kind, wonderful people who have brought me so much joy at being an occupant of the blogosphere, feel free to keep in touch with me at adrasteia @ this domain.
Have a safe and happy holiday to all, even those who don’t deserve my goodwill but especially those who do. Every moment brings us closer to where we’re supposed to be, and no matter how hard things are or how much you might be hurting and praying for that year to click over to the next, you still have the capability of spreading magic to those whose hearts are heavier than yours.
You are loved, needed and wanted — someone may be standing right next to you, wishing they could reach out their arms to you and hold you close to them. Don’t waste another moment of your life immersed in situations that hurt you while letting ones that could lift your heart float by unacknowledged. Who knows what could happen if you hugged them back. …
“Well, it feels like we’re living from pay check to check
And we wake up wondering what might happen next
Yeah, sometimes it feels like we won’t make it through
But the hard times pass
Like the good ones do
Baby wrap your fingers and
Hold on tight
I’ll be right here beside you tonight
Baby climb up here
Watch the city glow
Let’s make a wish on the fireworks below
We’re making moments that we won’t forget
And feeling ones that haven’t happened yet.”