Lick it up

Stuff like this makes me proud of my British heritage.

Props to the Brits for encouraging schools to teach prepubescents with raging hormones about the benefits of oral sex. w00t! Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a new generation of oral sex experts — I’ll bet THAT generation never has to go to war!!! Oral sex = much happiness for everyone involved.

Look, I don’t think it’s promoting underage sexual activity. Quite the contrary — just the thought of a pimply-faced boy (or girl) with a cowlick (in the hair, kids!) and braces is quite a disturbing visual, when pictured between one’s knees. Ick. That could very well damage kids to the point of never wanting to have sex ever, but that’s must MHO.

My public school system started teaching sex ed to us when we entered seventh grade (dykey gym teachers unite!), and it continued into high school. But it was from a clinical instead of practical standpoint. They told us about abstinence and HIV and syphillis, through ridiculous characters such as Captain Condom and Penny Penicillin. They used drawings and movies made in the 1970s to show us that the big bad penis gets hard and a girl ends up knocked up, never showing us how the jigsaw puzzles actually fit together (literally AND figuratively). It was ineffective, yet it was the best a fearful public school system, scared shitless by the out-of-control AIDS epidemic, could do without having the parents get together and sue them for corrupting our innocent minds.

My high school went on to have the highest teen pregnancy rate in our entire county, particularly in my graduating year of 1992. Did the sex ed work? Sure, for some of us. I experimented plenty in my early years, but I was out of high school before I actually rode the baloney pony. What schools need to do is teach the more emotional side of sex, and appeal to these walking hormones. Kids will do exactly the opposite of what you tell them to do; further, IF they can do something, they WILL do it, just because they can. Armed with this knowledge, appeal to them. Tell them that sure, he says he loves you now, but after you put out, he’s going to dump you for a different girl (or boy, in my case. LOL). Or vice versa. And that yes, you’ll be considered the town slut, because that’s how the rumors always go. And that’s when you slip in the data that will otherwise cause them to glaze over and sleep through health class. I don’t remember the sex ed as much as I remember all the rumors I heard around school.

I commend schools that have tried to teach kids how to apply condoms onto items found in the aisles of Fresh Fields. Hell, what about dental dams? Have you ever used one of those things? They’re scary when you don’t know what you’re doing! And finger condoms — why not? I’m not saying to bring feathers and flavored condoms to class (but be sure to suggest them for homework activities!), but I think it’s great to bring bananas, pitas, hot dogs, flowers, whatever the hell to class and let the students learn how to properly use protection. I was reading another blog where people were commenting about being disgusted about schools teaching sex and wanting to home-school their kids, and I have an even better solution. Let’s homo-school the kids! Nothin’ prevents pregnancy like similar features, eh?

Home-schooling — while I’m all in favor of it for a myriad of reasons — is all well and good, but in addition to teaching your kids about the traditional three Rs, you’d best be teaching them about what’s going on in their bodies and hearts (and fantasies). Are you comfortable enough to do that? Sure, nobody wants their kids to have sex, but, um, how did you get those kids, exactly? Unless the stork dropped them down the chimney, they’re gonna be doing stuff that will inevitably make you a grandparent, so instead of scaring them, work with them. Buy your daughter her first flannel shirt and work boots. Buy your son that spiked dog collar and his first techno CD (if that’s what they want, of course!). Give them options. The same people who want abortions to go away are the same people who would be mortified if their 16-year-old daughters were walking around in halter tops and bellies out to here. (Not that I suggest using abortions as birth control, BTW, although five minutes spent learning how to use a condom prevents that seven minutes of vacuum aspiration and the lifetime of guilt.) But let’s work together to assure that teen pregnancy is reduced, and while teaching the oral sex certainly isn’t THE answer, it’s a start.

Or, do what my mom did, and buy your daughter a vibrator for her 16th birthday. Who needs boys when you’ve got batteries? 😉 As for boys, well, the ones I knew were all blowing each other anyway!

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