‘I’ve become what I can’t be’

Caaakkkee, originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

The One Republic song “Stop and Stare” started off my morning, and it’s accordingly been a rough day emotionally for me in that, yep, I find myself clinging for dear life to that 18-34 demographic. And if I’m moving into a new checkbox in 364 days, well then what will I have to show for it?

I’ve oft declared this to be my “Best Year Ever,” sight unseen. Today I was ass-deep in bullshit and realized I’m tired of declaring that this will be the year that’s bullshit-free. Whatever. There will always be mountains of manure to surmount — I just have to change my attitude from, “Why isn’t all the crap resolved/over yet?” to, “Patience, Grasshopper.”

And I am not a patient grasshopper anymore. I think so many people have worn me down and beaten it out of me, I want resolution now, now, now. And the pastor who spoke today at church pointed out that resolution comes in God’s time, not yours. So suck it up and deal. 😉

He noted that we make big mistakes when we’re trying to resolve things that we ourselves, as mere mortals, are not able to resolve. He talked about Abraham and Sarah, to whom God had promised a child, and they got tired of waiting and went about it the wrong way by having him impregnate a servant.

The message was that it didn’t happen the way God intended it to happen, so it was a mighty (almighty?) clusterfuck. But God’s promise was ultimately fulfilled, even though He was a bit ticked that they lost the faith.

I have kept the faith for several years on several matters. And I see where they were coming from, that maybe I heard the promises incorrectly. Maybe it’s not a dream in my heart but instead a virus. Doubts sometimes creep in to think that I would ever be a good enough fiction writer — maybe that was silly of me and being a desk monkey is really my destiny after all.

And that’s why this birthday was hard. To spend it in ways I didn’t really enjoy spending it. To be reminded that, hey, you’re one year closer to the grave in case you might want to start doing the things you keep shuffling down the priority list.

But luckily, I had a chance to break free (at last!), even if just for a couple of hours. I communed with nature, stared at some water, took a walk and climbed a jungle gym. And went to Starbucks, where I enjoyed an iced skinny mocha and did not a God damned thing but stare at people.

I felt restored. For now, anyway. But even though I don’t know where I’m going from here, at least I know it isn’t backward.

And today, I needed to be reminded of that. I just feel that everyone, everywhere is suffocating my ability to get fresh air because they’re afraid what I will do if I realize the leash really isn’t tethered to anything that I can’t break.

It’s a year for testing boundaries, for running as far as I can and not being choked if I get too far away.

Best Year Ever. Mark my words. It starts today.

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