If I were on ‘American Idol’ …

The 32 finalists were asked a series of questions on the website, and because I have the musical ability of a frog, I will never be able to answer these questions for the show. But for my own amusement, I will answer them here:

Do you have a job?

I s’pose you can call it that. I am a writer/editor/doormat/chewtoy for a D.C. area association.

Do you have any formal singing training?

I am shower-trained, and one can argue that I should remain there and only there. Actually, come to think of it, I did spend a year in a junior high chorus.

Where have you performed before?

Leapin’ lizards! I did “Annie” and “The Wizard of Oz” in seventh grade.

When did you first start to sing?

As a wee lass, Mom had these great records for us to sing along to. I was all about my soundtracks for “Cabbage Patch Kids,” “Strawberry Shortcake” and “The Muppets.” On any given day, you might find me humming “The Rainbow Connection.” We also listened to a lot of country back then (Reba, Dolly, Emmylou, etc.), as well as all the stuff that’s now on the easy-listening stations (Peabo Bryson, Michael McDonald, Patti LaBelle, Dr. Hook. etc.).

Also as a wee lass, my grandfather was a singer and guitarist in a country-and-western band, so he would whip out the guitar and have me sing along. He would teach me his original songs and tape me on our brand-new cassette player/recorder, just before we started throwing out the old eight-tracks. The quality of those tapes sucked, regardless of my lil pipsqueak voice. I just wish I had those songs and those tapes today — I always thought my grandfather should’ve been a star.

What is your favorite song to sing?

“The Weakness in Me” by Joan Armatrading.

What is the first concert you went to?

Bon Jovi, baby! Saw them every year that they toured, but I will be missing them when they come to D.C. on March 9 due to financial constraints. I am so very bummed about that.

What is the last concert you went to?

Matchbox Twenty.

What other talents do you have?

I am a genius as public relations and event planning and fund-raising for nonprofit entities, if I say so myself. While I write non-fiction for a living, my fictional stories aren’t too bad. I can also write sappy and bitter poetry when the mood strikes, as well. I have good business sense and am a veritable idea generator.

If you don’t make it on AMERICAN IDOL, what will you do?

I’ll make it in another field, don’t you worry. 😉

What are your goals in life?

To work for myself. To make enough money to live in the manner and in the type of home in which I will be happiest. To be surrounded by people whom I love and who love me. To not have to watch my back or watch my step every second of the day. To improve my appearance so that I can improve how I feel inside. To not throttle people who would so richly deserve it.

What album would your friends be surprised you own?

My collection is diverse — alternative to folk to trance to techno to hair metal to classic rock. Perhaps people would be shocked to hear that I kept an old Cabbage Patch Kids song that goes … “Cabbages, cabbbages, yum yum yum. Cabbages, cabbages … gimme some! Cabbage for my dinner, cabbage for my snack. Cabbages all the time …. cabbages for Cabbage Jack.” ROFL

What is the first CD you ever bought?

Ah, this is aimed at the younger crowd. For this pushing-29 gal, I can chronicle this a bit more extensively:

First eight-track: Donna Summer

First LP: Michael Jackson, Blondie and the “Grease 2” soundtrack

First cassette: Bon Jovi, Def Leppard and Dokken

First CD: Warrant and Trixter

What is in your CD player right now?

In my bedroom, a Bon Jovi import.

In the living room, Melissa Etheridge and k.d. lang.

In the car, a techno CD I burned with remixes of Madonna, BT, Amber, AK1200 and D.J. Sammy.

Who is your AMERICAN IDOL?

Jon Bon Jovi. He was a small-town kid who made it big, and I’ve followed him since 1984, and he really hasn’t changed much at all. He still makes great music, seems like a great father and husband, and has gone after his dreams and continues to do so. He seems to evolve with the times and didn’t get caught up in the whole rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle, so he’ll be around for a long time to come, I hope.

What is your favorite type of music?

Rock ‘n’ roll, baby! All genres of it.

What is your favorite song?

“Rest Stop” by Matchbox Twenty. Or maybe “Elsewhere” by Sarah McLachlan. Or “Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen. Or “Cry” by Faith Hill. Or “Hella Good” by No Doubt. Or “Ain’t Even Done with the Night” by John Mellencamp. Or “I Take You with Me” by Melissa Etheridge. Or “Summerfling” by k.d. lang. Or “What it Feels Like for a Girl (Remix)” by Madonna. Or “Gravel” by Ani DiFranco. I swear, it totally depends on the occasion.

Favorite male pop artist?

Rob Thomas.

Favorite female pop artist?

Ani DiFranco.

Favorite album?

The “Great Expectations” soundtrack.

Who in the music world do you think your style is most like?

Oscar the Grouch? lol. Maybe Melissa Etheridge — that deep, passionate angsty type. I can’t sing worth a shit, but I can belt it out like she does, when I want to. 🙂

Most embarrassing moment?

Where shall I begin? lol. I don’t get embarrassed, even though I do stupid things. Like when I first hooked up with G3, he went to pull off my underwear but I was wearing holey granny panties and he started to pull them down by the holes. That was slightly mortifying, but I got over it. Heh.

If you couldn’t sing, which talent would you most like to have?

I’ve always wanted to be a dancer, but too many late-night threesomes with Ben & Jerry have prevented that from EVER being a possibility.

What has been your proudest moment in life so far?

Um. Well. Isn’t this special? Hmm. I guess getting the paper out on time at work, even though Kumquat shredded me over nitpicky shit. Fuck him — I did a great job!

What is your definition of an AMERICAN IDOL?

I would imagine that the judges would define it as a fresh-faced trendsetter, but I would think of it as someone to whom young gals and guys can admire as a positive role model. And as an American Idol, I promise to work for world peace and to let everyone know that it’s OK to eat cake and not be a size four, that the real beauty is within and that you can’t have an intelligent conversation with a hungry person who consumes more peroxide than burgers in a year.

Why do you want to be an AMERICAN IDOL?

I am fairly happy with myself — flaws and all — and I would love for people to see me having the time of my life and enjoying success and know that if I can make my dreams come true, so can they. And I would love to help them in some way — I love to network and to lend a hand when I can!

Do you think the audition process was fair?

I suppose, although some really great talent got away and some interesting folks seem to have made it so far. But hell, even if they were slashed, some record exec will pick them up and make them a celebrity in no time.

Who is your favorite judge and why?

Paula, because she was nutz enough to get Botox injections right before Tuesday night’s live show. She looked like Mick Jagger! Although Simon was a pissy little bitch, and I thoroughly enjoyed his snarkiness.

Who is your least favorite judge and why?

Randy. We should just call him Wishwash.

What advice do you have for other hopefuls?

Eat cake.

What would people be surprised to learn about you?

That I own more vibrators than there are days in the week. Wait, that’s no shocker! 😉

Who did you think was going to win last season?

Didn’t watch.

If you could be a performer from any era, which would you choose and why?

Oh, I would totally perform in the early- to mid-1980s in a hair band. I would’ve been dying to perform with Bon Jovi and Winger and Motley Crue and the like. Or, I would go with the mid- to-late-1990s and perform on the Lilith Fair, although I’ve met men who were less hairy and scary than some of the women I met there. …

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