‘I hurt myself today’

I’ve been listening intently to my audiobook and sort of scratching my butt head over what I’m learning and how to apply it to everyday life.

For instance, it seems the overall goal we should have in life is to seek joy. And to do so by seeking the people who have what we want and learning it from them. But therein lies a challenge in that the people who are attracted to us and what we have that they want for themselves (i.e., a shy person wants to be more like their extroverted friend) also bring a whole basket o’ negativity into your life that you can choose to not associate with. That you can basically only choose to acknowledge the parts of these other people that you want to take away as part of your own experience.

I’m not saying it’s a terrible idea; I’m rather intrigued by it. But I am not quite grasping how you can enjoy someone for the fun they bring into your life and not be overwhelmed by frustration for them being tightasses or immature or whatever other characteristic that you don’t want to absorb into your own personality.

It all goes back to what they’ve been preaching throughout these tapes all along — we attract what we want. And we attract what we don’t. If we give something evil more than a passing thought, we attract evil. So instead of dwelling on negative emotions and trying to figure out where they came from (I’m thinking, isn’t that the goal of counseling?) we need to wash our hands of the specter of bad things before we give them so much as a passing glance.

This is where I have hit a lot of stumbling blocks in life. It’s easy to hope that the evil people you know get buttfucked with a knife when they meet someone who out-psychoes them. But does thinking that bring even more insanity and stupidity to your world? I’m guessing yes, but I choose not to accept it.

All the small minds of the world can get together and be assholes together; the rest of us will learn and absorb from high-quality people so that we all become of the highest quality. Survival of the fittest, I say.


Yep, there’s always that.

It reminds me of a very bad habit I have, which is hurting myself over things I can’t control.

I don’t mean cutting or throwing up or anything like that. Please. That shit takes too much effort, and I’m way too apathetic. 🙂

But I was telling my friend yesterday that I can’t really get frustrated anymore when people don’t realize how fabulous I am. Because I realize how fabulous I am, and if that has to be enough, then fine. I’m pretty happy and feel like I’m as close to self-actualization as I can be.

My friend, God love him, said that they all know I’m fabulous too, even if they don’t convey it.

I knew that. But it was nice to hear it for a change.

I guess I have the curse that every girl does, in that if someone doesn’t like us like us, I try to figure out why. I tend to wonder if it were something that I did or didn’t do. Whether my interests or looks or habits or whatever turned them off at some point. Even if maybe I wasn’t all that into them, but I am not one to drop off the earth either if there is something there that could possibly be turned into something greater. At least, I don’t mean to — again, you don’t always (if ever) get a, “This is why I couldn’t be with you” speech. Even if it would hurt or if I’d reject the data, I’d just like to know why other people aren’t gellin’ with me.

But when I get the chance to hurt myself, I do take it. If I get the chance to find out if they’ve moved on to someone new, I want to know about it. I want names, details, interests, etc. I want to know what it is they see in this new person. I want to know what they do, how they feel … basically, what makes them think that person is going to make them happier than I can and would if they would have let me.

Usually I can walk away feeling like wow, they really didn’t do better. And they know it. But what do you do with that data? Drink a bottle of red wine and hope it erases your memory? But no, I have that insane need-to-know that brings even more ache with the more questions I ask.

I guess I hope it’ll numb me and I’ll just accept it someday. But all it really does is kill me even more. I’ve got to stop that stupid habit before it’s the death of me.

My reaction is usually to move on at lightning speed. To not act sad. To just be fine. To not say, “What the fuck? I thought we were on our way to something special till you got off the ride. What went so wrong that can’t be salvaged?”

Especially if I didn’t think anything much was wrong and, in fact, was feeling sort of optimistic about the whole thing. That’s what kills me. People don’t invest enough time to find out.

I’m supposed to be the impulsive one. I’m supposed to be the asshole who gives a half-hearted effort and gives up when it gets to be too much work or I see something shiny in my peripheral vision.

But why am I attracting things that are only ephemeral? What is it in me that isn’t drawing in that which is healthy and sustainable? What about me is turning away what might be good for me? Is it coming my way and I’m not noticing it, or am I too focused on things that aren’t working/can’t work to know the difference?

Look, I know not to dwell for too long, because the universe has its plan for us. Blah blah blah. But I’m a lot more interested in having a say-so in my destiny right now, thankyouverymuch. And my audiobook is telling me to reject or repel that feeling of powerlessness to the universe.

You should be creating your sacred space and filling it with things that you want. As they said, envision the world as a fully-stocked store, and you can exchange dollars for any experience you could ever want. Bring those things into your happy place and immerse yourself in the possibility of them until they happen for you. Only think happy thoughts — if you obsess about something (illness, attack, etc.) then you attract it into your world.

That’s something that sort of freaked me out — how victims of attacks “attract” the perpetrators. I don’t get that at all. I sure as hell would like for people with ill intentions to leave me the fuck alone, and I doubt someone who gets assaulted would willingly open the door for the asshole with the Cialis prescription and the butcher knife.

But they say that if you’re giving it a passing thought, it could happen to you. That if we immerse ourselves in headlines, we are going to see more and more bad things just like it popping up. That you see a fire happen somewhere and suddenly, you’ll see a string of incidents involving fire. Because the nitwit pyromaniac out there who was looking for inspiration gets it from the first asshole to put a match to gasoline, and we get an instant epidemic.

It’s like when you say a certain person’s name, it’s like calling “Beetlejuice” three times — they always seem to appear. *shudder*

Anyway, I’ve got to get started rolling the rock up the mountain for the day. But what I take away is that one success will breed another, then another, and still another. And that’s the kind of collectible experience I want to have in my sacred space, so it’s time to go shopping for good things to enjoy today!

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