Handle with care

It occurs to me that people think I play games when the only thing I am ever trying to do is preserve what little of myself that I can. I just need to be handled with kid gloves right now. That’s all. Even if I’m the one who has to slide on the gloves and handle me with care.

It also occurs to me that I don’t just make the occasional questionable decision. When a choice I make turns out to be not the best one, it spirals into a 14-karat fuckup with seemingly unlimited waves of aftereffects. It’s what keeps me from taking even the smallest chances sometimes. Hence being fra-gee-lay at this particular moment.

I’ve been in a weird little depression lately, and I swear it would take a stick of dynamite to blow me out of this funk. And I only got to see the last half of “House” tonight, but it was that TNT enema that I needed. I identify with him so much — someone exceptional who is always getting frowned upon and, this week, deprived of a true victory that could have brought him out of his miserable mental state and helped him to save someone else.

That’s exactly what’s wrong with me — I have nothing left to give. I just get into my little hamster wheel and keep spinning until I can’t see straight. Forcing my heart to be present isn’t happening right now — my heart needs to go join my muse who’s off sipping margaritas in Tahiti while I watch the leaves die and fall and crumble beneath my feet. I asked myself if X or Y happened, would it help? And the answer was a big fat “I don’t give a shit either way.” I am House. I do not cease to give a shit until there’s a happy fucking ending in it for everyone and maybe even a feeling of, if not victory, then non-defeat.

Someone said something that stuck with me today, that why should I be different than others. I guess it meant I’m not unique — that when it comes down to it, I don’t stand out. Screw it — I am different in every possible way. I’m special, damn it, but you’ve got to dig for it. I’ve just spent a lot of time being punished for it, but that doesn’t stop the fact that I am not and never will be like everyone else. And I happen to LIKE who I am, so instead of apologizing for it, I just don’t always let it out there.

God, this blog has turned into a dark little place lately, no? I’m going to go finish drinking that bottle of Riesling that I uncorked last night. Still too lazy to reach up to that middle shelf for a wine glass, though. 😉

Kendall Payne, “The Second Day”

3 Responses to Handle with care

  1. Tiff :

    Hmph. At least you got to see half of House this week. We have a TiVo season pass to it, but TiVo apparently forgot it was on this week, so when I got home late last night, I go to watch this week’s episode, and it was just NOT THERE. W. T. F?! I was so looking forward to it, too. And of course it’s not on iTunes, either.

  2. Evil Genious :

    I wish I had something inspiring and helpful to tell you, but I really don’t. I’ve got issues (and that’s an understatement) myself at present. But all I can tell you, both of us really, is that you have to believe that “this too shall pass.” As trite as it sounds, it’s true – what seemed at once devastating today may feel laughable next month or next year.

    Hang in there. You are special.

  3. Old Freind :

    Yeah I know, Its one of those “adhesive side up” weeks…It sucks and there is nothing wrong with a little self pity, In fact it is proven to be healthy. But unlike House (God if I was a woman I would JUMP him….sorry but I’ve got a little man crush on that smarmy son-of-a-bitch) you need to pull the plane out of the nose dive and keep your ass flying!

    Fuck everyone and everything that is pooing on your Kharma! the cosmos will even it out….so just strap in, put on some good music, and do something creative, that always seems to pull me out of whatever deep dark funk I crawl into (gotta love those self inflicted wounds).

    remember we (your true and adoring freinds) LOVE and RESPECT you and ALWAYS have your back!!!!