God is always good. Right?

Last night marked a week since my classmate’s 14-year-old daughter died after being hit by a truck in the crosswalk outside our old ninth-grade building where we met. (It’s a middle school now.)

No one is to blame. She jaywalked with some other kids. The driver wasn’t speeding. She didn’t see him and he saw her too late.

I ache for him, that he has to live with this for the rest of his life.

My classmate seems fine, in public anyway. Everything on Facebook is a Bible verse or frequent reminders that “God is ALWAYS good.”

I mean, I think she believes that. And all the other religious folks are crawling out to offer prayers. I believe in God but the first thing I did was ask for an explanation. And the second, third and 50th thing.

I know deaths are meant to put life into perspective for the rest of us. It took my brand-new friend Leanne dying five years ago to make me choose to accept a job offer in Florida. Because, she would have done it, I imagined.

How will I commemorate young Alyson in my own little way?

I don’t know yet. But I do know I’ve had five near-useless doctor’s appointments in the past month (two in the past week) with mystery diagnosis after diagnosis.

I feel fine. I just … look not-so-cute. We’ll leave it at that.

The only diagnosis I’ve gotten so far that I can do anything about is a Vitamin D deficiency. Which, my work contract doesn’t say anything about fitting sunlight into my day.

My new doc wants to ship me down to a Miami hospital for a day. Because, driving an hour from my office to nearby civilization for appointments doesn’t already interrupt my life enough. Let’s lose a whole day.

I anticipate my tribute to Alyson will be to wake up and realize that my body is literally attacking itself right now, and the way I’ve been living has probably been a big fat contributor to it. That at least I have the means to fix what’s wrong, even if I don’t necessarily have the time (in my schedule, anyway. Hopefully I have plenty of years to make the world a better place).

I think the takeaway is Alyson brought light and joy to everyone around her, and my existence is pretty forgettable as-is. There’s always younger, cheaper labor and younger, skinnier women and better, more-involved friends who can take my place everywhere.

How do I brighten the world every moment I’m in it when I’m in a dark place, literally and figuratively, for much of the day?

I guess you’re just going to have to tune in to find out!

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