Friday Five

1. Memorial Day marks the unofficial start of summer, grilling, and a steady parade of frat boys jamming the Bay Bridge to get to Dewey Beach because, you know, sometimes there just aren’t enough shitty cover bands playing at Whitlows and the Clarendon Grille. But the writers of the Friday Five (who really need some new pictures) know that Memorial Day is really supposed to be a day of remembrance, or so this says. Have you ever

participated in a bona fide commemoration activity on Memorial Day? If so, what was it?

Let’s see, when I was a kid, we were forced to learn patriotic songs on our recorders (cheap, dollar store-type plastic flutes) and march up and down Lincoln Way in good old White Oak, Pa., with the rest of our classmates. I always envied the kids who conveniently “forgot” to tell their parents about said obligation, and they always waved oh-so-cattily to us as they sat on the ground, watching the parade and catching the Jolly Ranchers that adults were throwing at them from the parade route. Of course, I always mentally cheered when the Jolly candies would magically bean one of the little fuckers in the head. Served them right for not being humiliated with the rest of us, who tromped down to the American Legion for crappy chipped ham sandwiches on egg buns in reward for sweating our asses off as we played out of tune for the masses. 🙂

2. Just this week the Bush Administration announced a near-definite terrorist attack on U.S. soil, between now and, oh, coincidentally, election day, just after polls showed his lowest approval rating ever. Concern surrounding Memorial Day activities is abuzz. What do you think? Are

people just being pansies, or is there real cause for concern? Would you, or do you, plan to attend any of these activities?

I thought the announcement was a little bit convenient, given the plummeting approval rating. Here’s the thing: we are always vulnerable to a terrorist attack. Sure, holiday gatherings are especially plum targets for the turban mafia, but if Sept. 11, 2001, taught us anything, it’s that any random Tuesday in any random overpopulated locale is a prime target. Memorial Day is the American equivalent of a Holy Day in other parts of the world, so I don’t expect any attacks this weekend.

That said, my ass is avoiding any form of public gatherings this weekend. But that’s more of a hatred of my fellow man than it is an attempt to cover this wide load of an ass from a SCUD missile.

3. What’s your favorite war-themed movie? War hero? War song?

Oooh, “Low Rider.” Yeah, baby!

Movie? Enh, not a big fan of the war movie genre. I might swing a halfhearted vote for “Independence Day,” in honor of the ever-glorious Will Smith.

4. In the last installment of the Friday Five, we discussed swimming — or not swimming — in public pools. What are your thoughts on swimming at the beach, given that it could realistically be described as the world’s largest ashtray, connected to the world’s largest urinal?

Ah, the beach. I remember when syringes were found in the sand at Lake Erie when I was a wee lass who loved said lake. This, of course, sucked because I didn’t know how to swim (still don’t) and therefore, the fun of sitting/walking on the sand decreased exponentially. In any event, feel free to pee in the ocean. Who’s gonna stop you? Amid all the fish poop, I’m sure no one will notice!

5. Fashionistas everywhere (or at least at H&M) know that Memorial Weekend

lifts a major clothing ban – we can all start wearing white, until Labor Day, when the ban resumes. What specific clothing style would you like to see banned year-round?

Scott and I have a variety of clothing pet peeves (surely, ones which we would never commit ourselves!), most of which have been observed at the Dupont Circle-area bars, most notably (and recently) Cobalt. To protect the innocent, I shall not reveal THAT conversation, but suffice it to say that the 1980s happened, well, 20 years ago, and some folks missed the memo (and “The Love Boat,” for that matter). All in all, keep it in your pants, keep your pants on and for god’s sakes, if you are a gay man with no fashion sense, get some friends — who will be MORE than happy to do a makeover on you … without you even asking. 😉

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