Deja vu
I write today with an unfamiliar sense of certainty. The thought crossed my mind yesterday that I am in the right place at the right time; that all roads have led me in the right direction; that those roads are converging right before my very eyes.
In summary, whether or not my job at Two Strikes is right for me, my arrival there might have been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Had I never arrived at Two Strikes, I never would have met Brat, adn right now, I can’t imagine what life would have been like, had we never met.
Long story short, I spent Friday night with him and his friends, and I stayed at his house that night as well.
It was the first time I’ve slept over at a straight man’s house … and actually slept! 🙂 And I have to say tha tit was one of the better nights of my life.
We started out at the Creekhouse with Colin and Bob and two other guys. I’d been there once before and hated it. Didn’t have a much better impression of it this time, either. Brat and I ended up taking off before everyone else, in search of more activity and excitement.
Drove to the Fox and Hound in Northway Mall. He was an awesome tour guide, pointing things out to me throughout the North Hills. Learned a lot abut him and saw some of the places and the home of people that are important to him.
Time absolutely seeps through my hands when I’m with him. Hours pass, yet it feels like only seconds, every one of them more precious than the last.
I keep looking for something more in his eyes — a sign that he will be in my life for a long time to come. In the intensity of his gaze, I think it’s there … at least, I hope it is.
We played darts until the rest of the crew arrived, which was about three rounds of darts later.
The four guys played darts and shuffleboard for the rest of the evening. That’s what I get for always hanging around groups of all men! But in true Dawn fashion, I found my kicks elsewhere. Hung out at the bar and met a guy, Carl, who was only too happy to buy me a drink and keep me company till Colin came looking for me! 🙂
Colin added an interesting twist to the evening. He made it clear, through little slurs and not-so-subtle hints, that he had full intentions on fucking me senseless that night. At first, I thought he was joking, but I quickly caught on and refrained from encouraging the banter. It’s not that I am opposed to sexy talk or even the act of fucking itself, but something was holding me back … something that would turn out to be a respect and maybe even a desire for the friend who introduced us.
I figured nobody heard his little asides (such as his comment that he was looking forward to looking through my CD collection later on), but Brat doesn’t seem to miss anything. The plan was that Colin would drive me home, because he lives closest to me (on the North Side), but Brat must’ve realized that Colin had no plans on seeing his own apartment that night. At some point, Brat put his hand on my knee and offered to take me home himself, but that if it were OK with me, he’d take me to his house to crash and then take me home Saturday morning, when he was more sober. He said he felt bad, but he was closer to his house where we were, and that he could take a couple of back roads and hopefully not get lost and/or pulled over on the way to mine.
I appreciated the offer, and a few minutes later (after another loaded comment from Colin, which later I learned was a blatant lie anyway), I agreed.
Brat was so sweet about it. “Are you sure?” he asked. “I know you have a kitty at home who probably needs to be fed.”
My heart absolutely melted What a sweetheart! I assured him that Maddie had plenty of food till the next day, but I appreciated his concern.
At that point, we all decided to leave — and no one knew what we were talking about. It became evident that Colin was more than ready to get me out of there, but I told him I had left my stuff in Brat’s car (I had purposely left my jacket in his backseat, I guess in hopes of having him decide to take me home instead of having Colin do it). Colin was pissed. Nastily, he snapped, “Fine!” and announced to the other guys that they were staying for another drink.
Outside, I thanked Brat, and I explained to him that I could definitely handle Colin and his advances, but I was grateful to not have to. I made it clear that I was neither scared nor offended — I just wasn’t in the mood to deal because I knew I would end up fighting him off. In my inebriated state, I went on to say that I don’t really need another notch in my belt — I’ve kinda been there and I’ve done that, and then some. I want more. And furthermore, Colin was doing a lot of talking … is he all talk?
Brat said he is, that he’s all bark and no bite. I laughed and told him that I bark, but I also bite! 😉
I recounted a conversation I’d just had with Chris and Judy, how I found myself asking why people can’t just go out for dinner and drinks anymore. It seemed to be Phil’s expectation that sex was a given. Chris reminded me of my old belief … why can’t I just fuck the guys? Why do I have to date them? Do I really need to talk to them too? 🙂
Brat was laughing. He promised to rag on me about this during future smoke breaks.
(I just realized I never recorded the info about my date with Phil, but I’ll do a synopsis later … if I feel like it!)
Brat brought it up about how he’s amused that I let him pick on me, but he reminded me that I’d told him long ago that I was fine with it. I said that I absolutely love it when he picks on me (I really do — the way his eyes glitter when he “gets” me is worth it!).
We got to his house, and all I can say is that I could see myself living there. 🙂 I just felt so at home, so comfortable. Loved his dog, Buster. Found myself wondering if he and Maddie could ever get along.
After my grand tour, we watched TV — “Real Sex” was on HBO. I curled up in the armchair and he stretched out on the couch. I found myself wondering what our boss would have to say about this situation.
We went to sleep awhile later. I cozied up in his spare room and he went up to his room. I was freezing, so I stayed dressed. Moments passed, and I heard him say my name. I extracted myself from my frozen fetal position, and we made eye contact in the dark. My goodness, what stopped me from pulling him closer to me? In that darkened room, with the faint hallway light behind him, he was incandescent.
He came over to offer me a sweater in which to sleep — he said he didn’t want me sleeping in my dress. It was a beautiful olive green. It smelled like him. I gladly wore it.
I awakened a few hours later, freezing despite the heavy sweater. Put my own clothes back on and put the sweater over everything. Traipsed downstairs, put on the TV and fell asleep watching “Bridges of Madison County,” which is a great movie to sleep to. (Loved the book, though!)
Was later awake and watching “90210” when Buster bounded down the steps. I was in the armchair again, with his sweater around my shoulders.
He came down awhile later, in glasses and a baseball cap. Adorable.
He let the dog out. He loves that dog so much, and I can tell the feeling is mutual. Just watching them playing and goofing around on the floor was quite endearing — I could see that he’s a very good daddy to him. 🙂
I promised to let Buster back in the house while Brat took a shower. Found myself wishing I had a change of clothing and some of my cosmetic products myself, because I was feeling not-so-fresh and wanted a shower myself (preferably with him, but I digress. lol). Oh well.
When he came downstairs, he made us breakfast. My, my. I was beyond impressed. Told him I’d love to hire him to take care of me.
We hung out and watched TV. He didn’t seem to mind having me around. I could have stayed there forever, but I really was longing for a shower and some different clothes.
When he brought me home, we hugged. Much as I wanted to kiss him goodbye, I was well aware of the fact that my teeth needed to be brushed (although I was chewing gum and I did use toothpaste), so I refrained. We did embrace, though. He held me so tightly. I nuzzled my cheek against his, and I was sated by that. We let go of each other, and our eyes met. He seemed happy. I know I was happy, too.
The rest of the day, when I was alone, was bizarre. I was visited by fragments of dreams and visions I’ve had throughout my life of a nameless and faceless entity. The visions came fast and furious, and for the first time in years, the random puzzle pieces of insight began to make sense. The nameles, faceless entity suddenly emerged with green eyes, light brown hair and a smile that could illuminate a starless night.
Will these newly clarified visions, though, reflect a yet-undiscovered reality?
Is he my reality?