Cupcake break
It’s Mom’s birthday, so I took her out for the day. I had to start some projects, so I exiled her for a while, but I requested she come visit right now because I bought a bunch of gourmet cupcakes and I’m in dire need of a cupcake break. 🙂
We went to the old apartment to pick up our mail, as no one’s been in a real rush to get me my mailbox key here and I haven’t forwarded the mail yet. The grass isn’t really greener here but the water is bluer, so that’s a start.
It was very sad to walk into the old place — I kept feeling Maddie’s presence there. She’s everywhere. I kept waiting for her to bounce out of one of her dozens of hiding places and greet me. No such luck. Nothing is there — and there’s nowhere she could even hide. But still, I will always look for her there. I’ll look for her everywhere, really.
I found myself really missing my grandparents more than usual today, too. My grandfather’s loss is more recent (almost three years), and what I wouldn’t give to have him telling me that everything will turn out right. He always said it would, and it always did. It’s just times like this when I’m not so sure that I could really use his absolute faith in me, since I’m having a major crisis of confidence and faith right now.
My grandmother’s been gone 10 years now. I remember less about her, but days like this, I really want to hear her telling me how everyone’s a fucking moron and not to worry about their stupid shit. I can clearly hear her in my head telling people to go “sit and spin,” and “fuck them if they don’t like it. And even if they do, fuck them anyway!”
This is why it’s so important to heal my relationship with my mom. I haven’t told her I loved her in two and a half years. I haven’t hugged her in almost as long. So when I hugged her and wished her happy birthday today, and told her I love her and I believe in her, she cried. She thought she’d lost me completely, and all it took was kicking her out to make it come back. 🙂
I realize now more than ever that all you really have is your family. Whether by blood or by bonding, nobody else in the world cares about you more. In a world where nobody gives much of a damn about anyone but themselves, it’s good to remember those who would do anything for you, and reward them accordingly with the love they deserve.
So, happy birthday, Mom. And prayers of love for Maddie, Gram and Grampy. Wish you could all see me now. Hope I am doing you proud. Watch out for me and help me through these scary times. And I’ll never forget who you were and how you live on in me. And fuck everyone else if they don’t like it. 😉