Broken
I guess there’s a reason why there are billions of sad songs written and performed and probably only a million or so happy ones. Kind of helps to know when you’re feeling like the loneliest person who ever walked the earth.
I feel like, these days, I’m always trying to overcome something. And I guess that’s what life is, just getting through sometimes. It’s OK, though. It just seems like everywhere I turn, of late, it’s just the foundation of another chapter in my autobiography. At least, that’s how I manage to get through these adventures.
Eventually, I’ll emerge on the other side of all this — and triumphant, at that — but damn, it seems like whenever I reach the end of my rope, the universe just throws me more.
I’m also a bit disconcerted because my psychic vibes are SO off. I mean, it’s like someone came into my head and reprogrammed the switchboard. It’s like all the wishes I sent out into the universe have ended up in the dead-letter office. And a part of me wants to stop caring if anyone hears my pleas.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been coming from a place of loss, trying to find hope anywhere it can possibly spring. Perhaps I plunged headfirst into Denial, and I’m drowning in that river in Egypt. Because I swam for shore, and honest to Christ, I just want to jump back in and stop paddling sometimes — it’s like I keep going without any direction and hoping to just end up somewhere better. And the further I go, the farther I feel from anything that’s real.
But I don’t. Warped visions or not, I want to see what comes next. I want to see if all this bullshit is worth it. And I think it is — I never turn down an opportunity to become smarter, stronger, more callused from life’s little wounds … even if they’re self-inflicted sometimes. And damn it, despite myself, I’m a bleeder.
I booked a vacation with my little bonus. Nothing exotic, and nowhere I haven’t been before. But it’s like it’s not far enough away — I don’t know if anywhere is, really, though. What pisses me off is that now that I’ve got the tickets and the reservations, I found out Bon Jovi is playing there a week after I leave. DAMN IT!!!
And I kept thinking about my interviews today. It occurs to me that I am always looking for someone special, whether to work with, to befriend or to date. I know that anyone I choose, in any realm, is a reflection of me. And if they’re not immediately recognizable as special, well then, I won’t be special either.
I know that’s not true. I know I am Goddess, hear me roar. Etc., etc. And I know that a lot of people attach themselves to me to prove that they, in fact, are special too. Or that maybe being around me makes them special. I dig that, because I have the ability to make anyone shine. Everyone I’ve ever believed in really DID have that “certain something,” at least in my eyes. Even if I had to let them go because our paths diverged.
I feel lost without my spot-on psychic visions. That means I have to take a lot on faith. This is something I have always struggled with, as faith doesn’t come easily. I know in my heart that I have to trust where the universe has me, and in what it throws at me being essential to my personal evolution. But damn, it’s hard letting go of things I’ve believed to be true, and in trusting that they’ll either come around again or that I’ve freed myself up for something even bigger and better.
Lord, give me strength. I can’t seem to find any of my own right now. I don’t want to seem uncomfortable in my own skin, though, because I’m happy with who and where I am. But what I wouldn’t give to crawl out from under it sometimes and feel new again.
“‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away.”— Seether, “Broken”