Breaking the silence

“It’s been awhile

But I can still remember

Just the way you taste.”

– Staind, ‘It’s Been Awhile” –

I haven’t really had the inclination to record my life since the night Brat left me here alone. I did do some scribbling when we were in South Carolina, sure, because I was losing my mind and needed some kind of outlet. It was so hard being with him, having fun, going to dinner, meeting between seminars for smoke breaks, wandering around the city … and not being able to hold him, to kiss him, to tell him how lost I felt since that fateful night.

Two weeks before we left for Charleston, he invited me to a CYF happy hour that was being held in honor of his 25th birthday. I was hesitant to go because I left CYF on a bad note and I thought they would stone me on sight. But the people I knew seemed really happy to see me, and the new people I met were congenial and pleasant to drink with. Happy hour started at Roland’s in the Strip, and we made our way to North Versailles to go bowling. (Yes, I bowled! What kind of cosmic accident could cause such an occurrence?!?!)

On the ride to the bowling alley, I was toying with when to give him his b-day gift (a Dale Earnhardt Sr. watch – He has Earnhardt memorabilia in the bedroom where I stayed). When we parked, I gave him the gift, and he surprised the wits out of me by saying, “I love it!” and kissing me full on the lips.

Then he jumped out of the car, and I was slightly dazed, but I soon followed. Then, walking across the lot, I slipped my arm around his waist, and he placed his arm around my shoulders. Twice, I stopped to kiss him. Both times, he kissed back. It felt so right.

Alas, though, that was the end of the affection, as we were meeting people and as far as anyone was to know, we were merely colleagues. And besides, later a Two Strikes caseworker showed up (unexpectedly), so it was best to not be touching. She seemed surprised as hell to see me out and about; I guess people don’t think directors have lives – either that or she was just shocked to see me fraternizing with the masses. Whatever. I didn’t care.

Well, I am a horrible bowler, so I wasn’t too unhappy when we left at midnight when the place closed. As he changed back into his regular shoes, he looked straight at me for the longest time with those amazing eyes of his. I felt warm all over, and I couldn’t wait to be alone with him.

The ride home was silent. Period. He said nothing the whole way from North Versailles. As we turned onto McArdle, I finally commented on how quiet he was. “Just thinking,” he said.

When we pulled up in front of my apartment, we kissed a few times. I wanted him to come in, but I could tell he wasn’t budging from his seat. He smiled while we kissed – that turned me on incredibly. I invited him to come in for awhile, but he said no, that we were going to have a whole week together in South Carolina soon enough. So I asked him for a hug. He knew what I was up to, and he didn’t resist. Once I had him in my arms, I started kissing his neck and his ear (I gathered from our first time together that he really liked that). That did it – he said he would stay.

Once inside, I played with Maddie for a few minutes, and then I put her down and crawled over to where he was sitting on the floor. And then I basically ravaged him. 🙂 Maddie seems cool with him, so I told him my house rule was that if one pussy likes him, he gets the other one for free.

The foreplay and everything else was just fabulous. I had missed having him next to me. We kissed for the longest time … it was sweet and tender and sensual. He was wearing the sweater he had given me to wear at his house. He knew I remembered … later, when I pulled it off of him, I commented, “MY sweater!” He laughed and said he knew that was what I was going to say. (Between you and me, dear journal, it looks better on my floor than on either of us!!! I love having him naked in my arms.)

When we were kissing, I said, “I want you.” He asked why. (This was a repeat of our first time together, when he told me he wanted me and I asked why. This time, I said, “Because I do.” We kissed again. “Do you want me?” I asked. “Yes,” he breathed, as he pushed me onto my back and began grinding against me and kissing my neck (which he knows is my favorite place to be kissed).

If only I had known it would be the last time he would be in my arms. If only I would have known of the heartache I still face today.

Can’t write anymore tonight. Just can’t do it.

The silence remains unbroken.

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