Bizarro Valentine’s Day
Shawn and I had plans to hang out on Friday the 13th to celebrate Bizarro Trailer Trash Valentine’s Day (i.e., bad food and titty bar attendance), but plans got thwarted and we ended up spending the wretched holiday together instead. And I have to say that last night ranked in my Top 2 Valentine’s Day festivities. 🙂
We started out at Chief Ike’s Mambo Room for a grotesque burlesque show. It wasn’t quite what we expected, but the bar was cozy and everyone there was ridiculously friendly. Lobster Boy served as emcee, but the only act we really enjoyed was some Brontosaurus trio who did a great remake of Sir Mix a Lot’s “Baby Got Back” — only their version is “Baby Got Sack,” an ode to big balls.
After lots of drinks (and Shawn getting mistaken for Justin Timberlake — not to mention, on Halloween, some people thought he was a member of N’Sync), as well as the girl selling Valentine’s candy killing herself to cozy up to him (and making sure to sit next to him during the show!), we decided to flee from the scene and indulge in a stylish late-night gourmet meal at Burger King.
All the other single people at BK must’ve thought we were just a horrible, unfortunate couple, because I caught all the women looking at me pityingly, like my guy couldn’t spring for a better meal. And what a horrid meal it was — I got the side salad, and the lettuce was brown and red from spoiling right in front of me. I cracked that these weren’t hearts of romaine .. this was ass of romaine. Disgusting. I would’ve done better sipping the ranch dressing straight from the packet instead of trying to ingest those rancid hunks of “lettuce.”
To punctuate our bad meals, once we were outside, I burped loudly and Shawn farted in agreement. Now, see, you just can’t DO shit like that when you’re on a “real” date!!!
To top off our trashy night, we ended up at Wet ’cause we needed to see naked boys.
The last time we were at Wet, we were so blazed out of our minds that all we could do was sit under the televisions and stare open-mouthed at the male-male porn that adorned their many screens — we were too fucked up to notice the real-live boys dancing on the countertops. Last night, we did actually have our wits about us to want to stab our eardrums with letter openers — when we entered, naked boys were actually doing karaoke … the first we heard was a horrid rendition of Evanescence’s “My Immortal,” but it got worse with two guys bobbing around singing Christina Aguilera and Ricky Martin’s “Nobody Wants to Be Lonely.” These are two of my favorite songs, and well, this killed it. Shawn asked the bouncer guy whether or not this was going to take up the whole night, and we were assured that it was almost over.
So, after some strong drinks to erase the memory of the auditory pain we incurred, we did get into the naked boys (as well as, of course, the porn) … particularly the hot buff boy who was dressed as a cop. Jesus Christ, he stripped off everything and went to the “shower” at the end of the bar and lathered up his muscles. Mmm baby! He was using Suave coconut shampoo as his lather, and the place suddenly smelled really good. I practically slid off my barstool, my panties got so damp at the sight of him. Damn, I never get guys like that!
Shawn was more engrossed in the Latin porn, and he made me laugh heartily when he said something to the effect of, “I haven’t done enough long-haired guys!” I have to agree with him on that one — any takers? (for me, that is!) 😉
Anywho, it was a great little night, and Shawn was a wonderful valentine. 🙂 I know we giggled and snarfed like fools, but I really can’t remember what the fuck we talked about. I asked Shawn to guest blog, but he declined. I’m sure he’ll supply the details (if he remembers any) in the comments. But all I can say is thanks for the laughs!