Because I care

In my next life, when I get my party planning business together, I am starting a store that caters to gay weddings. And, at Shan’s request, I will open up a preemie store right next to a hospital. It’s all about the underserved populations here — my background in philanthropy and meeting unmet concerns is speaking wonders to me tonight!

I swear, I was just looking for stuff for Bryan and Paul’s union ceremony next month. I picked up a few dozen bottles of wedding bubbles, but I also wanted to get champagne flutes for the grooms. I stopped at a party store, and I found out I would have to buy two sets of glasses to get a pair of “groom” glasses. On the upside, if ever I attend a girl-girl wedding, I would always have a pair of “bride” glasses in the junk closet. Naturally, I didn’t buy anything, but I was mildly annoyed nonetheless. I also went out looking for “bachelorette” wear for our party for Bryan on May 7, but unless he wants to walk around the dick bar with a veil, I can safely say that I struck out on that account, too. Bah.

And because we’re in dreamland here, I want a store that makes flattering formal dresses for those of us who wouldn’t be caught dead in strapless, clingy dresses. In my maid of honor role, I would like to look the part, not as some just-shy-of-30 overgrown harlot in a prom dress. Only the mother-of-the-bride dresses have sleeves, and of course that means they come with cow prints or other floral disasters to make your ass look wider than the Beltway.

I stopped at the ever-hellacious David’s Bridal to try on some dresses that were on sale, but I wasn’t allowed to enter the fitting room without a “bridal consultant.” Jeebus Crisp. It took me five minutes to decide that the cheap taffeta wonders made me look like a wedding cake, although I couldn’t tell because they don’t put mirrors in the fitting rooms — you have to go out and be herded with the rest of the customers to share one huge mirror. I didn’t bother leaving the room — I could tell that I looked freakish. I did find one dress I liked, but it was $208, and I ain’t spending that on a single-wear beaded extravaganza. You know, I’ve been making my own jewelry lately, but I think I need to start learning how to sew so I can make a decent dress without the side of humiliation found in the dress shops. Gaah.

All in all, another (un)productive day here at the ranch.

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