Baum Chicka Baum Baum

So I was just surfing my multitude of favorite *free* porn sites. (Note that word *free* — I don’t need to pay for porn, when I can find any asshole off the street and strip his or her ass naked for free as well, only porn is just SO much safer and, sadly, more rewarding!!!) What the hell, what else do I have to do with my life? The first episode of “Trading Spaces” sucked, and the second was only marginally better, so I started looking for some eye candy (as I am not getting any “live action” of my own).

While I love porn, I have to pitch a bitch (a recurrent theme on this page — pitching a bitch!) about the fact that I have to look at a hundred pictures before something amuses me. I mean, I’ve seen enough women-doing-dogs (of the canine, not homo sapien, variety) to last me a fucking lifetime. And I’ve seen enough busty, blonde, anorexic bitches with implants. Ergh. It’s enough to make me sick. But it annoys me that these chicks get all dolled up for their little photo shoots, then they stare straight into the camera. I hate that. I hate those “still-life” porn shots, where the “characters” dead-stare the photographer. I’m totally a voyeur — I want to feel like I am peeking in on their sordid bedroom activities. I don’t want to see beautiful naked people (although, let’s face it, could the men in the shots, when they’re there, get any uglier?) who think they are models. I want to see fucking-and-sucking and I want to pretend that I’m snooping, unnoticed, through their bedroom windows.

I’m also finding that, as I consume more porn, the photos just don’t do it for me anymore. I have loads of magazines in my room (from pre-Internet days), and I just deleted most of my Internet porn photos tonight, actually. Give me a movie any day — hell, even the 1970s “baum chicka baum baum” music is preferable to the sound of my own bitching at still-life photos. At least the players in the movies have the sense not to look at the goddamn camera, and with the movies, you find a great scene and rewind it till the tape breaks. 🙂 I only have one porno tape, but something tells me it’s time to get more. …

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