Ain’t easy bein’ a goddess
I’ve had lots of profound thoughts throughout the past few weeks. Too bad I’ve chosen to write down everything but. 😉
A lot’s been going on that I can’t talk about, here or anywhere else. The weird part is, it’s neither good nor bad. Not yet, anyway. I had an opportunity walk up and bite me on the ass yesterday, and I was overjoyed. It was one of those long-awaited, “holy shit, maybe all the heartache has been worth it after all” dealios.
But once the elation passed, and I got five minutes of advice from the voice of reason in my life (as I only had that long to talk), I realized it would end up being a case of reaching into Pandora’s box and having a snake bite off my arm or something. Not that there’d be a downside — there isn’t one. On the surface, anyway.
But you grow up and realize that even though you don’t have to answer to your parents, you always have to answer to someone. And it’s not always yourself. Not ultimately, anyway. Because listening to oneself is usually what *gets* us into these sticky situations — thinking that the universe has finally acknowledged maybe not our prayers but at least what we perceive to be our needs.
And I’ve sort of been annoyed. Because you really can’t have it all. Oh, sure, they lie to us as wee children, telling us that the world is our oyster and all we have to do is reach out for something and it’ll be ours. Maybe it’s possible, but life has always felt like a series of tradeoffs for me. It started back in school when you couldn’t be friends with X or Y would ostracize you. The bottom line I am fishing for here is that you can have your cake and eat it too, but that ain’t ever the end of the story. You’re never really the boss of you. If your balance in life is getting (and keeping) everything, then clearly you’ve never been kicked in the theoretical nuts for not making a choice.
Maybe this is one of those little tests. I wouldn’t doubt it. Whether a mere mortal orchestrated it, though, is anyone’s guess. And it sucks to be suspicious all the time. I don’t know what’s going to make me happy. I want to find out. But at what cost? Why do you always have to be wondering what others are thinking — what they know and what they would do to thwart your simplest efforts to find a little peace and happiness and satisfaction in this miserable experiment called life?
Like my best friend said to me tonight, you have one choice in life: You can either eat shit or eat cake. And, of course, we all know what we’d rather have! Although it feels like you’ve got to gorge yourself on one in order to earn the other.
I guess my bitch to pitch today is that in every single area of my life, I feel like I am at some bizarre crossroads between what I want and, well, what I want. The petulant 2-year-old in me is saying, “I want it all! Gimme!” And the clinging-to-idealism 32-year-old in me is saying, “Damn it. Enough is enough. How much more do I have to withstand so that I can finally have it all?”
And beneath it all, the small voice within is saying, “Why can’t there be a period of bounty to make up for the long periods of drought?” That’s the voice that I’m hearing the loudest right now. It’s also the one that is shaky, and for good reason, as it would rather not be banished again to the Sahara anytime soon.
Sort of unrelated (but sort of on-topic), I also have to drop the glorious goddess facade for a moment to say that if I’m always faced with choices, then I need to pose one back — to whom it concerns. Would you rather have a refreshed, sparkling, witty and pleasing goddess some of the time, or all 40 of my personalities (half of which are not exactly charming) in the barrel of your weapon of choice for Russian roulette?
I can be sweet for a defined period (mostly) but anything extended requires a warning label (preferably a Mr. Yuk sticker). I like to think I am pleasant. Damn it. 😉 But there are lots more incarnations of me than most people can handle, and I’m just saying that distance not only makes the heart grow fonder, but it’s also essential in keeping things alive. And, for that matter, people.
That said, I cannot think of a better song to wrap up this entry: Pink’s “Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)” …
[audio:LeaveMeAloneImLonely.mp3]
August 9th, 2006 at 12:09 PM
Life is about choices. Choose one option and you’re automatically saying no to something else. I have been surprised, however, about how MUCH I have gotten out of life. At this moment in time, I really do feel like I have it all, but that doesn’t mean I feel like that every minute of every day.
Last night when the chef had called me on the phone from work, and my daughter was screwing around and trying to grab the phone, and I was trying to wrestle my son into bed, and it was utter chaos, I felt like I had TOO MUCH. But today, in the quiet of my office, after a good talk with my supervisor (who is also a good friend), and reassurances of love from my boyfriend, and hearing from my daughter that she (miracle of miracles) mopped the kitchen floor today, I’m counting my blessings, and they are many.
Hold on, Dawn. In fact, speaking of songs…Listen to that one: Hold On, by Good Charlotte. They’re not great musicians, but we all need some encouragement from time to time.
I will say, though, from the ripe old age of 40…happiness is a choice, and its in the details. I lived a lot of years thinking “When I get to (fill in the blank) I’ll be happy.” Doesn’t work like that. Happiness isn’t a destination.