I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t want to date. I don’t want to feel like I am rejectable and useless, when frankly, I know better.

SM always says, in general, that people value money the way they should instead value time. We have no problem wasting time doing things (like jobs) that we aren’t particularly thrilled with, yet we worry that we are spending money irresponsibly when, let’s face it, we can always earn more money yet we can’t replace the time that slips through our fingers.

I IMed RK this a.m., against my better judgment, for pretty much the sole purpose of asking the name of an open-mic comedy club he had mentioned. He talked about work in the same way I remember talking about Easter Seals. He’s down and depressed, I can tell. I attempted to be upbeat and tell him he’ll be fine when he gets laid off in December. Sounds kinda hopeless, and I know the feeling entirely too well.

And that was it. Didn’t ask about me or what I’m up to. Nothing whatsoever. Not that I’m shocked, mind you. As soon as I got the info about the comedy club, I said thanks and closed the IM screen. He can feel free to continue the conversation, today and any other day, but presently, I’m over it — and him. If and when he gets chatty again, he can feel free to see if I might want to respond. (If I can sound totally girly and stupid for one second, today could have been our one-month “anniversary,” if you will, if we’d actually started dating. I know he had told me from the beginning that he was in the dumps about his job and that it was draining his energy from him, but come the fuck on … when one area of your life totally sucks, it would be nice to have another area totally working in your favor, right?)

I gave some more thought to the whole issue about being “the one who got away.” I decided that the yo-yos who LET us get away are probably too self-involved to ever realize what they were too blind to see when it was right in front of them. Further, it kills me how the game must be played … damn those people who wrote “The Rules” and all the other books like it … damn them to hell!!! But then again, let’s look at the Brat debacle … there was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t — and didn’t — do for him, and notice how alone I ended up. Maybe there IS something to treating a guy like an old pair of socks. But the question is, can I do that?

Grrr. I’m just irritated because I was brought up to treat people well and to be patient with their idiosyncracies. I thought you were supposed to support people emotionally wherever possible and reach out to them not only when they need it, but when you need it. This shit about waiting around for men to call was NOT presented to me in my upbringing as a feminist — damn it, if I want a date, I have the right to ask a guy out, don’t I? And if I don’t want to date a guy, I don’t have to go out with him, right? According to all these self-help books, they say to date the mediocre guys till something better comes along, and with the “right” guy, make him beg for your affections. Shouldn’t it be the opposite? Shouldn’t I pursue the ones I want and not waste my energy on those I don’t?

In recent years, I’ve become a pseudo-feminist. I like for guys to hold open doors for me, but I am not about to stand around waiting for it to happen, either. Then again, from what I understand, guys think you’re a bitch when you open the door for yourself. You know what, this alone makes me want to become a lesbian … not because I have any real desire to sample a slice of hairpie, but because I can at least UNDERSTAND women!!!

My horoscope today told me to literally “end the conversation.” It also said to leave things up to chance, as there is nothing left for me to do. How appropriate! So much for transcendentalism, though. Look, I totally believe in going with the flow and going through the doors that open along the way, but once I go through those doors, I am not going to stand there and look pretty (although I just can’t help doing that!!!). lol. Like a good little transcendentalist, I believe in running through those doors at full speed and seeing what’s inside — and ultimately, making my own miracles, if you will.

I guess my parting thought is that I refuse to wait for happiness; I’d rather know now if I am going to find it with a particular person or not. We have to learn too many dances in the workplace; why is it necessary to play games with someone you might end up spending the rest of your life with? I know, all the girls who write the self-help books would drown me for thinking this … obviously, there’s a need for such books, because all the authors are happily married to romantic men who went to desperate measures to win their affections. Aaarrrggghhhh.

I s’pose the argument can be made, though, that while we girls are waiting for men to make the first/next move, at least we can say we have something interesting going on in our lives. By losing faith in RK, I will lose that hope that something wonderful might just be around the corner. On the other hand, by accepting the possibility that this ain’t goin’ nowhere, I can remove my head from my butt and see what else may be in front of me that I might have been missing. (of course, right now, that seems to be a whole lotta nuthin’ … I might as well shove my head into the clouds and keep dreaming that Mr. Right exists.

I know, I know … when did this supposedly independent woman turn into a pathetic slob? Last year at this time, believe it or not. It was when I realized that I want the happiness that I see all of my friends experiencing … I want to love and be loved, to experience that great unknown. I know that everyone says that you find love when you’re not looking for it, but damn it, I’ve been not looking for it for nearly 15 months! Where is it?!?! lol.

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