Awkwardness.
I know RK wanted to see me again this weekend, but I have work to do and I flat out just couldn’t do it. But I wanted to see him. I hope he knows that. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, so I’m gonna haul ass for the next few hours and hope for the best. Not sure why I’m not getting my stories done, other than the pressure of knowing this is my debut issue and it has to be good work, and relearning AP Style, journalistic writing and mental health issues in general. That, and my mind keeps wandering; before the date, I was dreaming about meeting him, and now, I’m dreaming about seeing him again.
But now I’m going through the typical awkward state after a date. This is typically the time that the guy decides to head for the hills, for whatever reason. I’ve gotten dozens of excuses over the years, from it’s the fact that I’m a cat person and they’re not, or I’m too dedicated to my work and/or friends and family, that “it’s not you, it’s me” — and, strangely, I’ve gotten weird lines that might have been true or might have just been excuses, like the fact that one said I was too attractive for him, another said my accomplishments were intimidating, that my former job (as a so-called executive) made him feel small in comparison (i.e., earning less money and not having the responsibility level), etc. etc.
Just like most people have heard every pickup line on the planet (I count myself as one of those people), I’ve heard every “dump” line around too, if they bothered to bring any kind of closure instead of quietly fading from view. And for the fact that I REALLY like RK, I expect him to pull away only because I want him in my life. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, he has given every indication that he wants to see where this can go, and I appreciate that and believe him. But unfortunately, I have luggage that I wasn’t able to leave behind in Pittsburgh … and we can thank YKW for this newfound apprehension that whenever I think I can fall head-over-heels for a guy, the guy in question can remain upright enough to crawl away unscathed at any time from the fire building between us.
Blah. I am making no sense whatsoever.
There is just a negative part of me, this demon I cannot exorcise. I figure that if I at least consider the fact that the guy may run screaming once he gets to know me (or even before he gets that far), he may not. At least if I am prepared for him to run away, I can handle it better when he inevitably does. Not to say that I haven’t walked away from my fair share of potential relationships in my day, because I have, but I’ve only done it out of incompatibility issues rather than fear. YKW left in fear. I don’t think RK is afraid, though, but I do worry that he doesn’t know me well enough to not take me seriously or personally when I do or don’t do something.
In comfort, his biggest pet peeve is a lack of a second date. He wonders how, after a first date, a woman can decide she just doesn’t want to find out more about him when first dates are, by nature, a bit tense and possibly not completely reflective of each party’s true personality. (::whew::) I know I was quiet and tired, having only had two hours of sleep the previous night, and I feel like I wasn’t as “fun” as I can normally be, which is usually my selling point. That, and even my hair was tired, but I forced it to behave itself. 🙂
Goodness, how I torture myself, and I truly do hope this is just unnecessary rambling on my part. I know that even if this would go nowhere, I am still an incredible person (i.e., Stuart Smalley, of SNL fame), but I also know that I wouldn’t know a good guy if I fell over one. Well, I’ve found one, and I’d like to see what it’s like to be with a REAL man, for once. No more booty calls (::sob!::), no more one-night flings (::sob again!::), no more lonely Saturday nights (::this is sounding better!::), no more scrounging for a date for events (::the single woman’s curse::), no more looking at your happy-couple friends and wanting to hold back your hair and puke for hours (::familiar territory::), and best of all, no more hoping that the next guy is “the one,” because you’ve already found him and you’re holding on tightly because there’s just no way anybody can be better than him.
And with that real man, I would never look back. Starting today, right this very minute. To hell with the personals and bars and shit like that. I’m 28, and I’ve had fun. Lots of it. And there is still more to be had, just in a different fashion.
Damn it, when is he gonna CALL????? 🙂