‘You’ll never know what you won’t have’

“Come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the sea is just a wetter version of the skies.”

— Regina Spektor, “Folding Chair”

I don’t even listen to Regina Spektor, but I saw this on one of my beloved’s Facebook pages, and had to keep it in my head somehow.

I have SO MUCH work to do, between being out for six workdays and then taking off five next week. (And another one and a half at the end of the month, but I haven’t told anybody that yet.)

I did ask if I could just take off the rest of the month and start over Dec. 1. Ah, to dream. …

I sort of have a bug up my ass about something. Or someone. And there’s no flushing this turd out of the punchbowl. So I’m working behind the scenes to take matters into my own hands. I may not be able to conquer certain people. But I will find a way around them. And the good people always win. At least, that’s what I have to believe in, right now.

Onto other topics, my apartment is falling apart. I’m planning to move in March when the lease is up. I told the UEOEH that she isn’t going with me … that she’s got to figure out where she’s going.

She asked me for 10 bucks yesterday, so she could bake cookies for my friend who is leaving town. I never have cash. Not to mention that I’d given her an allowance before I left town. 🙂

I was “mean and nasty,” of course, about it. I said you know, how sad is it that you just prefer to sit around all day, waiting for me to hand you money or food … not the slightest bit motivated to do anything for yourself.

I’m not even asking her to work — I’m asking her to fill out paperwork and get some health care. Actually, I take that back. I just ask her to leave me alone. I spent the last week with millionaires who live happy, free lives. I want to be them.

Like one of those happy millionaires told me, most people will never know what they won’t have. In other words, when you’re busy trying to save the world and donate to every cause and hug every tree, basically, you give up tiny parts of your financial future. Think of what you could have saved here, then invested there, then had available for bigger and better things.

And that makes me think about working for a living. And settling for a stressful, exhausting life. And that my only physical happy place (home) is a piping-hot bowl of anger topped with disappointment.

Your happy place shouldn’t be in your heart. It should be your home. It should be with your friends. It should be wherever your vocation is.

Lately I only feel in my element when I’m “managing” my people. I use it in quotes because they do take up a lot of my time, but I love it. I love THEM. My talent is rallying the troops. It’s building loyalty. It’s having dinner together and having drinks and laughs and sharing stories. It’s letting them know that I have their backs … and knowing, in turn, that they will have mine.

Sure, I miss my traders. My big parties. My trips to big cities to hang out with financial-TV stars. And my awesome teams from those days.

But I can re-create some of it. I can create my own punch so that everybody isn’t forced to drink from the turd-flavored ladle. What I need to do is step up and protect my people. I may never have children but I will be damned if my “kids” have to feel like they’re in anything but a loving single-parent home. 🙂

I’ll leave it at that for now and get back to work. But I have to take my own advice here. I’ve told them all to go with the flow. To quit swimming upstream. To do everything and then some to ensure a peaceful and productive adventure. That I’ll take care of the battles for them. But I’m tired of fighting, too.

Like I told someone whose soul bruises mine, I don’t deal with negativity. I don’t dwell. I don’t tick off everything they did “wrong” because I want them to do more “right.” And I expect the same for me. ‘Cause I have enough problems.

Besides, I do know what I don’t have. I can find it here. Or I can find it elsewhere. But I’m going to find it. And I’m going to help anyone and everyone I can to find theirs. …

Comments closed.