Caterwauling

I learned something about myself today, and it’s that the more emotional I get, the more productive I am. I went from buoyant, happy goddess today to boo/hiss/snarl/scratch bitch in a heartbeat. (Yes, there was a reason. Several of them.) And it’s weird how motivated this gets me. When I’m annoyed, I want to pound the keyboard. (And pound back a beer, but decorum, people.)

Now, I know we all have nervous/stressed out energy bursts, but this revelation explains a lot about me. I look back at my past and realize that I can attribute most of my achievements to duress. That feeling of “I don’t know what else to do, so I might as well do something positive with my energy” works wonders. It really does.

A lot of people (who clearly don’t know me well) think I’m quiet and even passive. And good, because that’s what I want them to think. But make me mad, and I start to do things. Not vengeful or unconstructive or even destructive things — I make fucking fondue out of government cheese.

I’ve often been told to just not care so much. To not let the little things get under my skin and ruin my day. But that’s not me. I’m cool in crisis moments, so let me have my meltdown moments over the frustrating shit that’s tiny and yet that I cannot control. They’re the reason why I get anything done at all.

Sometimes it seems that forces are purposely trying their damndest to keep you from accomplishing anything at all. Justifying their existence, I suppose. And it takes me getting into my zone of “I don’t hear you. I don’t see you. La la la la la la laaaaaaa” for me to rise above it all and do my own thing and win something that shouldnt have been an issue in the first place. I win by feeling like I accomplished something. I feel defeated when I have nothing to show for my efforts.

That’s why I blog, people. It’s a victory every time I hit that “publish” button. At the end of the day, even if it’s all I have to show that I did something, anything that day, damn it, I’ll take it.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 9th, 2006 at 4:05 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.