Unbothered
I heard a podcast the other day that touched upon unresolved trauma from childhood.
I wasn’t interested because my childhood was fine. I had more than enough love not to notice the things that we lacked.
The podcast suggested we have our inner child of today write a letter to the child we used to be.
My inner child said why can’t I just recapture that old magic of hiding out in my room with a Sweet Valley High book or 30.
That same inner child remembers happily being at home with a book because I preferred my own company over most others’.
Maybe that’s the trauma right there. People have always sucked the life out of me.
There have always been bullies masquerading as friends.
There have always been shady comments to laugh off like they were the funniest thing ever, to show I was in on the joke and yes, I totally get that there were times I was the joke.
There have always been the comments I wish I would have said. The things that come to my head a few minutes too late because I am conditioned to smile and eat the shit they serve.
Because I conditioned myself to do that. To not rock any boats. To not “upset the apple cart,” as a landlord said about me when I was 3.
In adulthood, I still do everything I can to please. Except, I don’t want to.
And I rebel in weird ways.
Like getting a job 90% done and walking away from it.
Like purposely not doing something important because it just doesn’t interest me.
Like seeing someone make a joke out of me and wiping the fucking floor with them to make up for all the times I didn’t but should have.
Hm.
I’m watching “Teen Mom Family Reunion” and watching Jade about to beat Ashley’s ass, and Ashley just twerking and being, as Bri said so eloquently, “Unbothered.”
I am Ashley.
Jade is acting nuts — and rightly so — about some of the shit Ashley said on social media. Ashley has that knack for cutting her to the quick.
I wonder if that comes from spending your whole life trying NOT to be noticed so people won’t talk shit to or about you.
In any event, I’ve spent a lot of years acting and eventually BEING unbothered about some shit.
I would never give, say, Psycho the time of day because he was never worth it. I only had one shitty comment I ever wanted to make to his face, but I never … there’s that word again … bothered.
I think the acting and ultimately being unbothered is the right way to be.
But I recognize it as the defense mechanism that it is. Rather, the not getting close to future people because the past ones left such a scar that the ones who didn’t leave it first managed to reopen.
I guess my letter from inner child to past child would simply be, your Momma dresses you too cute to screw up your face and scream at those who desperately deserve it.
Leave the ugly comments to the people who can’t play on a higher level.
And if you do snap, like Ashley finally did on Jade when she couldn’t take it anymore, say your piece to get your peace.
Then pull your shit back together and twerk your cute ass away.
Always leave them wondering and wanting more. And don’t ever fucking grant it.