Swingin’ single

I don’t have any song lyrics today, mostly because I’m pulling my iTunes music library off my old ‘puter ONE GIG AT A TIME. With another 25 gigs to go, I should be up and running by this time next year. *facepalm*

I’m sure there’s a better way. But it’s not like I haven’t tried 30 OTHERS to get to this point. Have spent hundreds of dollars on this wire or that cord or this rope with which I will be hanging myself.

And sure, I could be asking for help. But given how much an Over-Extended Houseguest asks for help, I’m leery of bothering anyone for anything.

I had a FANTASTIC weekend here in South Floriduh. I was out all damn weekend. Went to my Weight Watchers meeting and even though I only lost a half-pound, it was enough to get me to minus 60, even.

It only took 10 months to the day. Imagine if I’d actually been fully committed to the program all that time. Anyway, I’m not complaining. Down four sizes and counting = happy Goddess. I still have a pudgy pork roast ass, but I love that it’s a smaller portion than at this time last year!

I forget what all I did Saturday. I did end up going to a singles event that evening. Before I left, the OEH told me she needs for me to wash her car. I was like, “Uh, right now?” And she said before the weekend is over for sure.

You know who washes MY car? Mother Nature. Why would I wash anyone else’s when mine looks like absolute shit?

Anyway, so I go to the singles event, which was supposed to be a boat ride but it got chartered and we ended up rolling out to a comedy club, where the organizer got us in for free. Blah blah two-drink minimum cakes, but still. FREE!

OMG, so I joined a few groups, one of which aims itself at the 35 to 50 set. This was that group. I figure, the last few people I dated and/or wanted to were in the 43-and-up neighborhood. (Waaaay up. *cough*) So, this is the group for me, right?


So, OK, at my table were six cougars, four sugar-daddy-wannabes and a partridge in a pear tree. (That would be me.) All the sugar-daddy-types (I use that term VERY loosely) were either interested only in me or were sharing their attention with the gal next to me, whose lips were Botoxed beyond her surgically enhanced boobs.

I can kind of see her profile like Alfred Hitchcock’s. Funny as fuck, I tell you.

Anyway, she was the only one I really liked out of the bunch. She looked at me and said, “Honey, what the HELL are you doing with this group? You’re too young!”

I said I was turning 35 and thought the 35-50 singles group would be up my alley. She said, “Sweetie, I’m the second-youngest here, and I’m 55!”


I had sort of figured that the group members themselves would bring more comedy than the show itself, and I wasn’t disappointed. 🙂

The waiter split up our bills all funky and put my salad and wine (for which he over-charged me) with some dude who was staring at my friend’s cartoonish lips. (She actually laughed when one of the comedians made fun of Florida women with Botox. Her face didn’t move, but I did hear her laughing!)

Anyway, about this guy on my bill, let me say SUGAR DADDY, MY ASS. He thought the bill was wrong and didn’t put in enough money. Well, he covered his expenses but didn’t tip. And meanwhile my part of the bill WAS wrong. And not only did I PAY ANYWAY, but I tipped for both of us.

Yeah? How to impress women, especially younger ones? UR DOIN IT RONG.

Boxtox Broad was actually really cool and whether or not I bother with that group again, I’m going to be in touch with her. She’s starting up a non-profit that I can really get on board with, and she needs volunteers. I figure, I’ll meet better-quality people that way AND do something to satiate my need to do something productive with my free time.

So on Sunday, I tried a new church. OMG, I LOVED IT. It’s a bit of a hike from my hacienda, but it’s EXACTLY like my old church in D.C. Very young, very hip, very just so totally awesome. I walked in and knew I’d found my spiritual home. Hallelujah!

I ran errands and came back to get ready for a dinner party. A friend had invited me out to this event, and I met a TON of really nice people at a very hip restaurant just off the beaten path. Very nice night.

And did I mention my friend picked up the tab for all of us? There are real men in this world, ladies. They’re all married, but still. There’s hope yet.

Now, I told you about the OEH asking me to wash her car. So as I was getting ready for this dinner event, she appeared in my doorway to COMPLAIN that I didn’t wash her car. I’m like, when the fuck have I been home this weekend?

She let me know that she can’t do it herself; like OK, who’s running MY errands?

Anyway, “24” is on. Off to We Love D.C. to snark on the next hour of Jack’s tortured life. Come join us!

One Lonely Response to Swingin’ single

  1. Frank W :

    “I still have a pudgy pork roast ass, but I love that it’s a smaller portion than at this time last year!”

    You say that like it’s a bad thing. Whenever I tell the Mrs. she has a big backside, she gets pissed. IT’S A COMPLIMENT~! Not everything on you has to be skinny.

    Ditto with Mother Nature.