Caterwauling

Thanks Sherri!

As this changes all the damn time, I have to go with what’s in the CD player right now. That, then, would be “I put L-O-V-E in you. I love puttin’ me in you.” — Black Eyed Peas, “Sexy”

‘Cause I’m just classy like that.

That’s easy — weep uncontrollably at my name, as most people refer to me as “hey you” or “bitch” or “whatthefuckwereyouthinking” anyway. LOL. Can’t exactly train folks to use a synonym for the word “the,” can we now?

My old college roommate and I made up a whole fucking LANGUAGE, although most of it involved quacking and hooting, beeps and squeaks, and just overall incoherence. I still use all of that nonsense vocabulary today.

But long story (never) short, my dipshit high school friends and I described people as obnoxious shits by saying they were exhibiting (phonetic spelling ahead) “obnox-shish-shitty.”

That was my favorite word till Ted taught me the term “obliviot.”

Curse mightily.

Usually, that’s precipitated by the fact that Maddie somehow manages to slap her tail over my face in the wee hours of the morning, so I awaken to a breath of fresh cat ass. *barf*

Of course I’m hot! Oh, wait — you mean “parched” hot. Enh. In that case, I love me some diet iced green tea.

Anyone who has ever driven with me will argue that I already lack peripheral vision!

I’m not above stalking — I haven’t done that in YEARS.

I guess I’d probably want to see how the other half lives — maybe attend a performance or go to a country club or something dumb like that, just to observe. That or just hang out in the men’s showers. Whichever. 🙂

But would I be able to fly or something? Because if I had to DRIVE and be invisible, hoo BOY would I have a good time dodging the po-pos! Yeah, PULL ME OVER motherfucker!!! Yeah, do I match the photo on my license? LOL.

Nope. I am all about doing my bidness in less than two minutes and gettin’ the hell outta there. Maddie loves to jump up on the sink and harass me, and Kadi likes to hang out around my ankles — you know, I don’t breathe on THEM when they’re in their litterbox — why do I get company when I’m on mine?!?!

Funny, but I just had a live-and-in-person discussion with one of my fans (ha) about how I got to where I am today. And I had waxed poetic about my love of the English language. Growing up in a family of yinzers, I learned early on that people in books spoke much better and that’s what I wanted to sound/think like. And when I was 14, I’d read all my books dozens of times and decided to write my own. So I guess my favorite activity in general was either reading or escaping into a daydream or plotting out how Barbie was going to flee the Dream House and where she’d go.

Oh, I forgot — I used to design Barbie clothes. I had all kinds of fabric swatches and sewing kits and sketched all kinds of outfits (it was the ’80s. Be scared). You wouldn’t know it to look at me now, but I was such a little fashionista. I do think I can brag that I have a great eye for color and can match three separate pieces from three separate store chains and people will think they were shown together on the same display.

In sum, my favorite childhood activity was trying everything that ever piqued my interest and using my imagination to fill in the blanks when I didn’t have the money for better playthings. One wonders if I became a writer simply because of the lack of money needed for any real supplies. …

That Bake Sale for Hurricane Relief is freaking INGENIOUS! What’s been your top seller?

On iTunes: Emiliana Torrini, “What to Do with Myself”

This entry was posted on Monday, September 12th, 2005 at 7:26 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.