Purple o’ plenty

All right, I’m going to get serious about this yoga shit. I’m probably never going to find the time to take a class. (Spare me the lecture; my best friend already gave me the “That was a non-negotiable date with yourself” schpiel.)

So today, I decided to hunt for yoga-wear. And what pisses me off beyond all recognition (right now. It’ll pass) is that exercise gear is not designed for the people who need to exercise the most. I had a hell of a time finding anything over a size small (or extra small, you cake-moments-in-progress. I want to force-feed you cake. Cake, I say, CAKE!), and what I did manage to unearth would inspire others to inquire whether I needed some butter with those rolls. Seriously! Flimsy, crappity crappy crap. That is, if one could squeeze into it at all without baking up a sheet of muffin top. GAH.

I did find a cute not-really-a-sweatsuit suit. It’s a lightweight jersey/sweatsuit-sort of material, but with that inside-out-type stitching and some well-placed flair (sorry, the gang watched “Office Space” last night). And they’re capris, which I hate, but it’s purple! Wondrous wine, I say. And I picked up an adorable shirt that was in the same family but two shades lighter. Lighter purple!

Ah, but wait, there’s more. I found a luxurious padded yoga mat (I may use it in lieu of a couch), a yoga block and a yoga strap (strap on *clap clap* strap off *clap clap*) in — you guessed it — purple. I’m so fucking color-coordinated, I nauseate myself. Hell, I even picked up a royal purple tank top with lime trim and some royal purple with lime plaid boxer shorts to sleep in. From separate stores! And they MATCH, people.

Fuck, I even bought the flatulence factories a new litterbox (as they’d annhilated the old one). Guess what color it was? I wasn’t even trying at that point!

Everything goes so well with the couch I threw away new purple chair in my living room. I’m going to look so cute when I put on all my new clothes and lay out all the yoga shit on the floor and fall asleep just thinking about my shopping expedition. 😉

Oh, for giggles, I did buy a yoga DVD, as those damn classes are so inconvenient. (8 p.m. Pfft. Real women leave work at 9!) It’s all about how to master this shit in 10 minutes. I was more intrigued with the “yoga for pudgy pork roast asses” (heh. I’ll make one with that title some day. You just wait!) but that requires having 30 consecutive minutes and that’s just cruel. I swear, if they’d had a “yoga in three and a half minutes” DVD, I’d’a been all over that like me on cake my poop-filled cats on new litter (they’ve used the box already. It’s been five fucking minutes since I changed it!).

In any event, I did buy other black-and-white workout gear on clearance (again, people my size? NOT BUYING IT) and got a cute sport bra to match it. I’m so thrilled with myself, I just can’t wait to pack it all away and find it again in three years like I did with the last batch that I bought (in heather gray).

Speaking of pudgy pork roast asses and the color gray, the hell? Gray is SO not flattering on a double-wide tukus. Holy elephant-butt!!! I’d rather look like Barney than Dumbo!

3 Responses to Purple o’ plenty

  1. michael :

    One tip for the yoga: do NOT eat anything before doing it. Bending and twisting your torso and a full stomach do not mix.

  2. Connie :

    I’ve always wanted to try yoga. No classes here in my small town.
    Good luck sweets!

  3. Mindy :

    Girl! Yoga rocks! I never had much luck with the tapes, but loved the classes (especially when a hottie taught). Two main reasons–A. it’s foiking relaxing, which stressed girlies need, and B. Flexibility (need I say more?).

    I’d do yoga again in a heartbeat, but right now I’m whoopin’ ass in TKD class. When I have adequate supplemental fundage, I’ll do yoga in conjuction with TKD.

    Good luck, and please send me cake.