One more day

“The greatest words I never heard
I guess I’ll never hear
The man I thought could never die
Has been dead almost a year.”

— Reba McEntire, “Greatest Man I Never Knew”

I’ve refrained from posting about last week’s “Grey’s Anatomy” because the the episode was another one that made me swoon and yet make me want to slit my wrists, all at the same time.

Ellis Grey’s Alzheimer’s lifted for a day, and Meredith spent that day avoiding her. And we get why — Ellis isn’t an easy woman to deal with. But in the five years she’s been sundowned, if that’s a word, didn’t Meredith have a million questions to ask her? Even if it’s about medical procedures, if not about the family and her mom’s torrid affair with Richard. Everyone kept telling her it was a gift, that time that Ellis was back, mentally. And it all went away.

Reminds me of the two days when my grandfather was in a “good” hospital, between that mess of a VA Hospital abusing the shit out of him and killing him. (I hope those fuckers Google “VA Hospital” and “incompetence” — they’re comin’ here first.) They put him in so much pain, he went into cardiac arrest. Brilliant, you fuckers.


(Did I mention that I wrote to the “Grey’s” writers and told them that it’s only in fantasyland that doctors actually CARE about their patients?)

Anyway, my grandfather was shipped to a “good” hospital for treatment for a couple of glorious days. And I missed them — I missed him being cheerful and hopeful and free of pain and eating well and making plans for the future. I missed him because I was fucking living at work and I was also on my way out of town. I missed his last good days. I missed the last time he would brighten up to see me, because he always did, and I have to live with knowing that the only good moments he had left weren’t shared with me. *kick*

And like Meredith, when she was able to come to her mom and really be present for her, Ellis was gone, back into the dark abyss of her disease. And the opportunity had evaporated forever to spend one last good day together.

I loved how Richard stayed with Ellis in those last hours. He was all she wanted, and he became what would be her last memory. *swoon* I always wonder who will be my last memory, and whenever I meet/spend time with someone, I always wonder if this is it — is this the last person I’ll want to be with because they turn me off toward the human race or whether they’re the one who makes me want to stop auditioning others because this is the best person for me.

I don’t know. I’m rambling. My work is so not done and the night almost is. I guess I just feel so terrible that my grandfather died at the hands of such cruelty, and I’d give anything to talk to him one more time, and I missed the boat. That ship sailed, sank and burst into flames. I don’t get why Meredith got to have her mom back and I don’t get why the upcoming movie “Premonition” gives Sandra Bullock the chance to undo her husband’s death. I know — they’re works of fiction, but still. Makes me mad anyway.

“Oh, if you came back from heaven
It would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows
If He let you go
I’d never send you back
And if, God forbid
You leave this earth again while I sleep
I hope He knows that if you go
You’ll be bringing me.”

— Lorrie Morgan, “If You Came Back From Heaven”

I’m tired of loss. I’m tired of wondering where I’m going to live, where the money for this adventure is going to come from, where the strength lies that I haven’t found yet. I wonder whether the people in my life today will be around in 10 years. I wonder whether I’ve hurt enough to earn some peace. I wonder if the good stuff in my life is only just beginning … that the bad stuff is only just in memories now.

Hope is all I’ve got left. And I am clinging to it. …

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