‘How lucky for you that you’ve found your passion’

Well, to be fair, my team got shitcanned back in May. But then I moved to a NEW team, and let’s just say they’ve been thinning my new herd since August.

Then we got the word on Nov. 7 that the rest of us who hadn’t been laid off were going to be seeing the streets as soon as Dec. 1. That day is here.

The good news is, a lot of us were asked to stay for a few more weeks, another month, heck another two or three months. I am super, super blessed in that I am currently in the “will turn off the lights” category.

Unfortunately, the first real wave of departures begins today. And again, my team is first up on the cutting block.

I was asked to do a Sophie’s Choice between two people. (I mean, really, we are already down to nothing in the way of support staff.) I won’t lie — my choice was easy from a productivity and cooperation standpoint. But now that the day is here, it’s 4 a.m. and I am staring at the ceiling because, Jesus. I just had to ruin someone’s Christmas.

I mean, I know the blame isn’t on my shoulders. There’s not a single decision I made or COULD have made that could have reversed this ridiculousness.

But then there’s the guilt of outlasting the next person — the one who gave it all and then some. But, I mean, so did I. Maybe not 21 years but I gave up a whole lot of nights, weekends, (purchaseD) concert tickets, vacations and life events to keep the lights on this long.

Folks see and know that. They know they can’t reward me fully, but they can throw me a lifeline when I need it most. And you better believe I appreciate it.

It’s win-win for me. More time to job-hunt. More time to do what I love.

And that’s the thing. I love, love, love what I do. Even all the crazy characters who crossed my path and drove me to distraction sometimes. I don’t know anyone who loved their work … and the people for whom she did it … more than me.

A dear friend from Pittsburgh said, “How lucky for you that you’ve found your passion.” Indeed.

But it’s a small niche in the world. There are few roles like it anywhere else. And believe me, they are all filled and they are all filled with lesser versions of me.

How do you transition from goddess of your universe to … well … the rest of the universe?

And if by some snowball’s chance I can stay exactly where I am for longer than a minute, will I just find myself in the same situation down the road?

Or, what if I don’t find a way to make a leap now, I never will … and then after 21 years no one will want me because I haven’t achieved anything else?

It’s all so maddening. My soul is tired. If it’s even still in there somewhere.

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