Missing: NOT me

Balcony at the Eo Inn

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I don’t actually have a reason to blog today, other than that I’ve been researching all morning and I need a break.

I had one of those lightbulb moments this weekend, and I don’t know what to do with it. I mean, really, what can I do but dream about launching a missile over two cities that are now my own personal Hiroshima and Nagasakis?

I’ve been feeling professionally wounded. I mean, duh. (NOT winning!) But when I think about it, it wasn’t business. It WAS personal. Each and every time, it was a stab in the heart and again in the back for good measure.

Silly rabbits.

In a way, it makes me feel really good right now. Not the near-mortal wounding and the bleeding out and all the gore that goes with it. But the fact that I’m OK … I’ve always been OK … and no amount of the cliched “stepping up one’s game” was ever going to compensate for simply not being whatever people wanted me to be personally.

Like I have always said, I’ve been insulted by better people in my day. You know, those whose opinions might actually mean something.

I’m starting three freelance jobs today. Lord knows when I’ll actually see a paycheck. But I’m so excited. I’ve got a webinar in an hour and a conference call after that. And I’ve got some contracts to affix my digital signature to and we’re off to the races.

Someone told me I’d thank them someday. I usually thank people for help and for nice things, not for smothering me with a “You Can’t Do That on Television”-esque bucket of green slop. And I’m sure as hell not busting out the good stationery just yet. But when I do get paid for my upcoming performance, I may just utter that magic phrase after all.

Even if it’s done through gritted teeth, because I really didn’t deserve the way this all happened without even a real reason, I am so happy that I’ve gotten to pick the people who get to benefit from having me around. It’s taken longer than I expected, but good things really are worth waiting for.

It’s just like finding the right man. You both have to be in a good place (emotionally available and financially secure) for the magic to work. Well, I’ve met some financially secure people. But I wasn’t “there” emotionally.

I’m ready now. Just two days ago, I didn’t think I was. But that was when I was wondering whether I were “good enough and smart enough” when, really, it was the fact that “doggone it, people DIDN’T like me.”

And I ain’t changing me for an “ideal” that doesn’t appeal.

I was fine as I was. And it will be nice to not feel like who I am is anything BUT an asset.

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